• My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"

      "No it doesn't", I said.

      110
      Permalink
    • The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife.

      Thank you, Mom!

      Tags:
      • Mother
      80
      Permalink
    • When I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas she told me, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."

      So I bought her nothing.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Jewelry
      • Christmas
      80
      Permalink
    • I wrote a book on penguins...

      In hindsight, paper would have been much easier.

      Tags:
      • Book
      • Penguin
      • Writing
      80
      Permalink
    • One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world...

      ...then you'll all be sorry!

      Tags:
      • Canada
      91
      Permalink
    • Batman told me he was skipping church this week.

      Classic Christian Bale.

      Tags:
      • Batman
      • Church
      • Christian Bale
      70
      Permalink
    • A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day.

      He discovered he was a tad Polish.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Genetics
      50
      Permalink
    • I went to Chinatown today, but there were too many bright lights.

      So I asked them to dim sum.

      Tags:
      • China
      • Dim Sum
      50
      Permalink
    • My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.

      So I just packed my bags and right.

      Tags:
      • Directions
      40
      Permalink
    • Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

      One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."

      Tags:
      • Clown
      • Cannibal
      40
      Permalink
    • Friends are like snow.

      When you pee on them, they disappear.

      Tags:
      • Snow
      • Urination
      40
      Permalink
    • After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

      Adios, amigo.

      Tags:
      • France
      • Spanish
      • Teacher
      • Retirement
      40
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.

      She needs to lighten up.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      • Weight Loss
      40
      Permalink
    • You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

      ...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

      Tags:
      • Rich
      • Monopoly
      30
      Permalink
    • My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks...

      Bad Minton.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Sport
      30
      Permalink
    • With the rise of self driving vehicles...

      we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Car
      • Country Music
      30
      Permalink
    • God damned millennials!

      Walking around like they rent the place.

      Tags:
      • Rent
      • Millennial
      30
      Permalink
    • I wish I could be ugly for one day.

      Being ugly every day sucks.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      30
      Permalink
    • A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

      He sits down and drinks coffee.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Politics
      30
      Permalink
    • If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, just remember...

      There is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

      Tags:
      • BMW
      • Car
      • Office
      30
      Permalink
    • I have two boys, 5 and 6.

      We're no good at naming things in our house.

      Tags:
      • Children
      30
      Permalink
    • Communists and Trump supporters really aren't all that different...

      They both want a world with no class.

      Tags:
      • Communism
      • Donald Trump
      41
      Permalink
    • Donald Trump walks into a bar.

      And promptly lowers it.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      41
      Permalink
    • I was at the local pool yesterday and decided to pee in the deep end.

      The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

      Tags:
      • Pool
      • Swimming
      • Lifegaurd
      • Urination
      30
      Permalink
    • Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!

      Yes sir, it's fresh ground!

      Tags:
      • Coffee
      30
      Permalink
    • I've just been fired from the clock making factory...

      after all those extra hours I put in.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Clock
      • Fired
      30
      Permalink
    • "One man's trash is another man's treasure"...

      ...is one way to tell your kid that they're adopted.

      Tags:
      • Adoption
      • Children
      • Treasure
      30
      Permalink
    • I am afraid to make a political joke now.

      It might get elected president.

      Tags:
      • Politics
      • President
      • Donald Trump
      30
      Permalink
    • I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

      I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

      Tags:
      • Boredom
      • Parent
      • Children
      • Internet
      30
      Permalink
    • It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad.

      You would have such big shoes to fill.

      Tags:
      • Clown
      • Shoe
      • Father
      30
      Permalink
    • I finally figured out Donald Trump

      You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.

      Tags:
      • President
      • Donald Trump
      30
      Permalink
    • If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on...

      I'd be like, "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

      30
      Permalink
    • Never make fun of fat girls with lisps.

      They're thick and tired of it.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Lisp
      30
      Permalink
    • If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

      It's still fowl language.

      Tags:
      • Language
      • Bad language
      30
      Permalink
    • I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

      He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

      Tags:
      • Son
      • Wheelchair
      30
      Permalink
    • People say filling animals with helium is wrong.

      But I say, whatever floats your goat.

      Tags:
      • Goat
      • Helium
      30
      Permalink
    • A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine and asks, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"

      The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."

      Tags:
      • Solar
      • Renewable Energy
      30
      Permalink
    • Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.

      Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

      Tags:
      • Gun
      • Bank
      • Stealing
      30
      Permalink
    • If life gives you melons...

      You probably have dyslexia.

      Tags:
      • Fruit
      • Lemon
      • Dyslexia
      30
      Permalink
    • Today is International Women's Day.

      It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

      Tags:
      • Women
      30
      Permalink
    • I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

      Then I said, "Turn left."

      Tags:
      • Taxi
      20
      Permalink
    • I want to say comforters are superior to quilts.

      But I don't like to make blanket statements.

      20
      Permalink
    • I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working.

      I just have to die on Thursday.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Money
      20
      Permalink
    • My friend David had his ID stolen.

      Now he's just Dav.

      20
      Permalink
    • I was asked to write a 1,000 word essay for class.

      But I just turned in a picture instead.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Writing
      20
      Permalink
    • Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

      Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • Carribean
      20
      Permalink
    • Baby, I hope you are an ISO file.

      Cuz I wanna mount you.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Computer
      20
      Permalink
    • When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump, some questioned whether he could actually speak English.

      It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

      Tags:
      • English
      • Donald Trump
      • Kim Jong Un
      20
      Permalink
    • I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

      It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Donald Trump
      20
      Permalink
    • I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China."

      It was her made-in name.

      Tags:
      • Asian
      • China
      20
      Permalink
    • I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

      The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

      Tags:
      • Battery
      20
      Permalink
    • I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

      Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

      Tags:
      • Europe
      • Idiot
      • United States
      20
      Permalink
    • I recently started the new Brexit diet.

      So far I've lost hundreds of millions of pounds.

      Tags:
      • Diet
      • Brexit
      • United Kingdom
      20
      Permalink
    • I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.

      So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Computer
      • Eyesight
      20
      Permalink
    • McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

      Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

      Tags:
      • McDonalds
      20
      Permalink
    • I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet."

      It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

      Tags:
      • Soccer
      • England
      • World Cup
      20
      Permalink
    • Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

      God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

      Tags:
      • Idiot
      • Jesus
      • United States
      20
      Permalink
    • Girls are like domain names.

      The ones I like are already taken.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Internet
      20
      Permalink
    • I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

      Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

      Tags:
      • Gun
      • Robber
      20
      Permalink
    • I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl.

      they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are, too.

      Tags:
      • Dating
      • Imaginary friend
      20
      Permalink
    • I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.

      I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

      Tags:
      • Pizza
      • Hawaii
      20
      Permalink
    • A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets!

      He was arrested for attempted murder.

      Tags:
      • Pet
      • Bird
      20
      Permalink
    • I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

      A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

      20
      Permalink
    • My dads answer to everything was alcohol.

      He wasn't a big drinker, he was just shit at crosswords.

      Tags:
      • Father
      20
      Permalink
    • I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

      Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

      Tags:
      • Rich
      20
      Permalink
    • Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.

      One turns to the other says: "I think we got off on the wrong foot."

      Tags:
      • Police
      20
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...

      I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      20
      Permalink
    • The inventor of autocorrect died today.

      His funfair will be hello on sundial.

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      • Autocorrect
      31
      Permalink
    • We should've known communism would fail.

      There were a lot of red flags.

      Tags:
      • Communism
      20
      Permalink
    • You can't run through a camp site.

      You can only ran, because its past tents.

      Tags:
      • Camping
      • Grammar
      20
      Permalink
    • A bad workman blames his fools.

      *edit: tools. Stupid keyboard.

      Tags:
      • Saying
      • Typing
      20
      Permalink
    • I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

      I'm getting rather good at golf.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Hamster
      • Daughter
      • Veterinarian
      20
      Permalink
    • If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will.

      No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it!

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Punctuality
      • Getting ready
      20
      Permalink
    • Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition...

      ... and discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective

      Tags:
      • Bodybuilding
      • Frankenstein
      20
      Permalink
    • Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

      It means a lot.

      20
      Permalink
    • Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.

      Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

      Tags:
      • Fired
      • Driving
      • Blindness
      • Bus Driver
      20
      Permalink
    • Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof!

      He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

      Tags:
      • Rick Astley
      20
      Permalink
    • Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

      It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

      Tags:
      • Elvis Presley
      20
      Permalink
    • I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

      I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

      Tags:
      • Son
      • Lying
      • School
      20
      Permalink
    • Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

      If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

      Tags:
      • Missile
      • New York
      • North Korea
      20
      Permalink
    • Alligators can live up to 100 years...

      Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

      Tags:
      • Alligator
      20
      Permalink
    • I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes...

      I still do, but I used to, too.

      Tags:
      • Mitch Hedberg
      20
      Permalink
    • Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

      Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

      Tags:
      • Nazi
      • Alphabet
      20
      Permalink
    • Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

      And then a turn on again.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      20
      Permalink
    • IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

      His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KoFFIN product

      Tags:
      • Ikea
      • Coffin
      • Funeral
      • Furniture
      20
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

      It's like I've never seen herbivore.

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      • Girlfriend
      20
      Permalink
    • I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.

      But she kept screaming, "Get the fuck out of here I'm peeing!"

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      • Urination
      20
      Permalink
    • Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

      It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

      Tags:
      • Cheese
      • Donald Trump
      20
      Permalink
    • ‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

      Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      • Cannibal
      • Desert Island
      20
      Permalink
    • I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

      It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

      Tags:
      • Inflation
      20
      Permalink
    • I met a North African girl the other night, and we spoke for hours.

      We just clicked.

      Tags:
      • Africa
      • Language
      20
      Permalink
    • I finally stopped drinking for good.

      Now I drink for evil.

      Tags:
      • Evil
      • Drinking
      20
      Permalink
    • Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

      Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

      Tags:
      • Fire
      • Burn
      20
      Permalink
    • I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.

      It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

      Tags:
      • Tree
      20
      Permalink
    • Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer.

      The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Egg
      • Bacon
      • Breakfast
      20
      Permalink
    • There are three rings in a relationship.

      The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Relationship
      20
      Permalink
    • I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex.

      Now she'll understand what rejection feels like.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Blood
      • Rejection
      20
      Permalink
    • When I see lover's names carved in a tree I don't think it's sweet.

      I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.

      Tags:
      • Dating
      20
      Permalink
    • My wife accused me of being immature...

      So I told her to get out of my fort.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      20
      Permalink
    • And the award for the best neckwear goes to...

      Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!

      Tags:
      • Award
      20
      Permalink
    • I don't always tell dad jokes...

      But when I do, he laughs.

      Tags:
      • Father
      20
      Permalink
    • Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

      But numbers can: 2/10

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      20
      Permalink
    • I bought a dog from a blacksmith.

      As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Blacksmith
      20
      Permalink
    • They say never go food shopping when you're hungry..

      but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Hunger
      • Shopping
      • Groceries
      20
      Permalink
    • Dramatic pauses can really change the meaning of a sentence.

      Notice the difference between "I like to eat apples" and "I like to eat dramatic pauses."

      Tags:
      • Language
      20
      Permalink
    • My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

      What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      20
      Permalink
    • A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells, "Hands in the air motherfuckers! This is a stick up!"

      He's just dyslexic and can still speak fine.

      Tags:
      • Bank
      • Dyslexia
      20
      Permalink
    • Shot my first turkey today.

      Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

      Tags:
      • Gun
      • Turkey
      • Hunting
      • Groceries
      20
      Permalink
    • Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

      Then they don't call me at all.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Money
      • Women
      20
      Permalink
    • I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick

      She's still not talking to me.

      Tags:
      • Glue
      • Wife
      20
      Permalink
    • My wife is talking about wanting to have children.

      I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Divorce
      • Children
      20
      Permalink
    • I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.

      They didn't stand a chance.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Fighting
      20
      Permalink
    • Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

      ...has shitty time

      Tags:
      • Poop
      • Toilet
      • Confucius
      20
      Permalink
    • Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one...

      ...he's never gonna give you Up.

      Tags:
      • Pixar
      • Rick Astley
      20
      Permalink
    • I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

      He said he couldn't complain.

      Tags:
      • North Korea
      20
      Permalink
    • My son is sort of like Rapunzel...

      But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

      Tags:
      • Son
      • Failure
      • Rapunzel
      • Disappointment
      20
      Permalink
    • Thank you student loans for helping me get through college...

      I don't think I can ever repay you.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • College
      • Student loans
      20
      Permalink
    • If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

      I would have one dollar. Thanks, mom...

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Mother
      20
      Permalink
    • People always tell me I'm funny.

      And I always have to remind them I'm Dad.

      Tags:
      • Father
      20
      Permalink
    • My wife and I decided to not have children.

      The kids are pretty upset.

      Tags:
      • Parent
      • Children
      20
      Permalink
    • There are two types of people on the planet...

      Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context...

      20
      Permalink
    • I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations...

      ...but all brooms are pretty much the same.

      Tags:
      • Broom
      20
      Permalink
    • I am so good at sleeping...

      ...I can do it with my eyes closed.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      20
      Permalink
    • Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

      They both had a great time.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Grammar
      20
      Permalink
    • Somebody stole my mood ring.

      I don't know how I feel about that.

      Tags:
      • Stealing
      • Mood ring
      20
      Permalink
    • That's a nice ham you've got there...

      it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      • Shame
      42
      Permalink
    • You should never iron a four leaf clover.

      You don't want to press your luck.

      Tags:
      • Luck
      • Ironing
      • Four leaf clover
      20
      Permalink
    • When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.

      The car is new or the wife is.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      20
      Permalink
    • As a college student, I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them.

      I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • College
      • Homeless
      20
      Permalink
    • Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships.

      So, who's the cheater? My wife or my girlfriend?

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Cheating
      • Girlfriend
      • Statistics
      • Relationship
      20
      Permalink
    • I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was seated next to a crying baby.

      Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Airplane
      20
      Permalink
    • Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

      Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year

      Tags:
      • Fishing
      20
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

      So I dumped her.

      Tags:
      • Dumped
      • Girlfriend
      • Relationship
      20
      Permalink
    • Some say Steve Jobs died too young.

      Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      • Battery
      • Steve Jobs
      • Technology
      20
      Permalink
    • My wife yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

      I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      20
      Permalink
    • If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you...

      ...I'd start thinking about you.

      Tags:
      • Money
      20
      Permalink
    • My wife said that our son feels neglected.

      "Who?" I asked.

      Tags:
      • Son
      • Father
      20
      Permalink
    • I only know 25 letters of the alphabet...

      I don't know why.

      Tags:
      • Alphabet
      • Spelling
      20
      Permalink
    • People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology...

      I guess that it's my Achilles wrist.

      Tags:
      • Greek
      • Mythology
      20
      Permalink
    • I accidentally sent everyone in my address book a naked picture of myself

      It cost a fortune in stamps

      Tags:
      • Mail
      20
      Permalink
    • I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but I had to break up with her.

      She was seeing somebody on the side.

      Tags:
      • Dating
      • Breakup
      20
      Permalink
    • Who is this Rorschach guy?

      And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      • Rorschach
      • Psychiatry
      31
      Permalink
    • There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland

      I mean, the flag itself is a big plus.

      Tags:
      • Flag
      • Switzerland
      20
      Permalink
    • I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me.

      Looks like I'll have to drop the bomb twice.

      Tags:
      • Bomb
      • Breakup
      • Japan
      • Girlfriend
      20
      Permalink
    • I saw a chameleon today...

      Needless to say, it was a shitty chameleon.

      Tags:
      • Chameleon
      20
      Permalink
    • I ate a contradiction the other day...

      ...it constipated the shit out of me.

      Tags:
      • Poop
      • Constipation
      20
      Permalink
    • I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

      I've never run so far in my life.

      Tags:
      • France
      • Self Defense
      20
      Permalink
    • I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of my bed and did a sit-up by mistake.

      That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Exercise
      20
      Permalink
    • I just ran over my dog.

      Just kidding! I don't know whose dog it was.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Pet
      • Driving
      20
      Permalink
    • I like my women like I like my coffee.

      I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Coffee
      20
      Permalink
    • I saw a sign the other day the made me pee my pants...

      ...it said "Bathroom Closed."

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      • Urination
      20
      Permalink
    • I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...

      ...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

      Tags:
      • Reading
      • Blindness
      20
      Permalink
    • A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.

      Repeat this exercise whenever you're offered something to eat!

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Food
      • Exercise
      • Weight Loss
      20
      Permalink
    • I gave away all my dead batteries recently...

      ...free of charge, of course.

      Tags:
      • Battery
      20
      Permalink
    • My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster.

      Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish.

      Tags:
      • Snail
      • Racing
      20
      Permalink
    • This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club.

      I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

      Tags:
      • Vegetarian
      20
      Permalink
    • Ebay is too hard to use...

      ...I searched for lighters, and all I got was 71,274 matches.

      Tags:
      • Ebay
      • Internet
      20
      Permalink
    • Some people say I'm condescending.

      That means I talk down to people.

      Tags:
      • Elitist
      20
      Permalink
    • If your mother in Law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

      ...would you go to lunch or a movie?

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Drowning
      • Mother In Law
      20
      Permalink
    • I'd say 6:30 is the best time on a clock.

      Hands down.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Clock
      20
      Permalink
    • I used to have a job crushing cans.

      It was soda pressing.

      Tags:
      • Soda
      • Office
      20
      Permalink
    • Is it just me...

      ...or are there other personal pronouns?

      Tags:
      • Grammar
      20
      Permalink
    • I recently tried to change my email password to "Twilight"...

      ...but got an error message that read, "Password Invalid. Too many useless characters."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Password
      • Twilight
      20
      Permalink
    • There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.

      Up.

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      20
      Permalink
    • I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

      He still won't tell me who's a good boy.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Pet
      20
      Permalink
    • To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you.

      You have my Word.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Stealing
      • Microsoft
      20
      Permalink
    • I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.

      They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Family
      • Health
      • Hospital
      10
      Permalink
    • I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

      I'm taking steps to avoid them.

      Tags:
      • Fear
      • Elevator
      10
      Permalink
    • I was involved in a violent mugging this morning, and I'm still a bit shaken up.

      On the plus side I did make $43, and I think the watch looks really good on me.

      Tags:
      • Robber
      • Stealing
      10
      Permalink
    • I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

      The plot thickens.

      Tags:
      • Gardening
      21
      Permalink
    • For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards.

      I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Playing Cards
      10
      Permalink
    • I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym.

      I guess we just weren't working out.

      Tags:
      • Breakup
      • Exercise
      10
      Permalink
    • My mother used to always say, "Give your food a rinse before you eat it."

      Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

      Tags:
      • Food
      10
      Permalink
    • North Korea is participating in the Olympics this year, but they won't win.

      All of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in South Korea

      Tags:
      • Olympics
      • North Korea
      • South Korea
      10
      Permalink
    • Shout-out to my grandma!

      Because that's the only way she can hear me.

      Tags:
      • Hearing
      • Grandmother
      10
      Permalink
    • I walked down a street, and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

      It was a trip down memory lane.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      10
      Permalink
    • What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?

      They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      10
      Permalink
    • You think you are introverted?

      Wait until you never meet me.

      Tags:
      • Introvert
      10
      Permalink
    • Today I was asked to go out by 10 girls.

      Pretty easy in the women's bathroom.

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      10
      Permalink
    • Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

      You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

      Tags:
      • Conspiracy
      10
      Permalink
    • I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

      Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

      Tags:
      • Russia
      10
      Permalink
    • A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, "Do you have any felony convictions?"

      The Briton replies, "Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

      Tags:
      • Australia
      10
      Permalink
    • I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

      Just four sheets and goggles.

      10
      Permalink
    • I'm seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife.

      But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Money
      • Divorce
      10
      Permalink
    • So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God...

      Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

      Tags:
      • Virgin Mary
      • Jesus
      10
      Permalink
    • I just found out I'm colorblind

      The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

      Tags:
      • Color
      • Blindness
      10
      Permalink
    • Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

      I nearly answered him.

      Tags:
      • Lazy
      10
      Permalink
    • I already got a date this Valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

      Emma Gination.

      Tags:
      • Valentines day
      10
      Permalink
    • What is it with people who text and drive?

      I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Drinking
      10
      Permalink
    • Everyone pees in the pool.

      But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.

      Tags:
      • Swimming
      • Urination
      10
      Permalink
    • I got fired form the zoo.

      Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      10
      Permalink
    • Me: Mom, am I adopted?

      Mom: Why would we choose you?

      Tags:
      • Adoption
      • Insulting
      10
      Permalink
    • I once came home to find 4 masked men beating up my younger brother. Obviously I rushed over to help out.

      The little shit didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

      Tags:
      • Brother
      • Fighting
      10
      Permalink
    • My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

      I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

      Tags:
      • Narcissism
      • Psychiatry
      21
      Permalink
    • My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea.

      But she won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage.

      Tags:
      • Diarrhea
      • Mother In Law
      10
      Permalink
    • I invented a new word today.

      Plagiarism.

      Tags:
      • Language
      10
      Permalink
    • The urge to sing the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only ever a whim away...

      A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY...

      Tags:
      • Singing
      10
      Permalink
    • My parents treat me like a god.

      They don't believe in me.

      Tags:
      • Parent
      • Disappointment
      10
      Permalink
    • I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

      It was a risk I was willing to take.

      Tags:
      • Stealing
      • Board Game
      10
      Permalink
    • As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers

      When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Driving
      10
      Permalink
    • I hate it when people mix up Your and You're.

      Their so stupid.

      Tags:
      • Grammar
      10
      Permalink
    • The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many'...

      and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

      Tags:
      • Eymology
      • Language
      • Politics
      10
      Permalink
    • Climate change is such a joke.

      Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

      Tags:
      • Antarctica
      • Climate Change
      10
      Permalink
    • To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

      They're due back at the library today.

      Tags:
      • Library
      • Christmas
      10
      Permalink
    • I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest.

      It's his altar ego.

      Tags:
      • Priest
      10
      Permalink
    • My doctor recommended to eating Burger King more often.

      Well he said I should not have McDonald's anymore, but I know what he meant.

      Tags:
      • McDonalds
      • Restaurant
      10
      Permalink
    • A man entered his home and was absolutely delighted.

      Someone had stolen every lamp in his home.

      Tags:
      • Burglary
      10
      Permalink
    • My boss said my math skills are average.

      That's just mean.

      Tags:
      • Math
      10
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar...

      And is immediately disqualified from the Limbo World Championships.

      Tags:
      • Limbo
      10
      Permalink
    • Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together...

      It was riveting!

      Tags:
      • Boat
      • Documentary
      10
      Permalink
    • I like my women like I like my coffee.

      From a third world country and at a reasonable price.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Coffee
      10
      Permalink
    • I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex.

      He's a small arms dealer.

      Tags:
      • Gun
      • Dinosaur
      10
      Permalink
    • My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.

      So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Cooking
      • Driving
      10
      Permalink
    • I had a fish that could breakdance on the floor for 20 seconds.

      But only one time.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Dancing
      10
      Permalink
    • I have super powers, I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

      Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

      Tags:
      • Superhero
      10
      Permalink
    • I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

      A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

      Tags:
      • Bank
      • Fired
      10
      Permalink
    • English is not the easiest of languages.

      It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

      Tags:
      • English
      • Language
      10
      Permalink
    • I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

      I can also tell when they're standing.

      10
      Permalink
    • Communism jokes are not funny.

      Unless everyone gets them.

      Tags:
      • Communism
      10
      Permalink
    • Sauron is a great name.

      It has a nice ring to it.

      Tags:
      • Lord of the Rings
      10
      Permalink
    • There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

      Only a fraction of people understand that joke.

      Tags:
      • Math
      10
      Permalink
    • !false

      It's funny because it's true.

      Tags:
      • Programming
      10
      Permalink
    • Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.

      It was delicious.

      Tags:
      • Diet
      • Weight Loss
      10
      Permalink
    • My secretary reminds me of my wife.

      I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Cheating
      • Secretary
      10
      Permalink
    • My wife didn't believe me when I said I'd made a car from spaghetti.

      Should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Pasta
      10
      Permalink
    • My friend is panicking because he is missing a piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle

      if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

      Tags:
      • Puzzle
      10
      Permalink
    • TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest.

      Kinda obvious, considering Mount Everest can't fly.

      Tags:
      • Bee
      • Mountain
      • Mount Everest
      10
      Permalink
    • My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.

      They did unspeakable things to her.

      Tags:
      • Mime
      • Kidnapping
      10
      Permalink
    • Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in?

      For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • China
      10
      Permalink
    • When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

      The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

      Tags:
      • Poop
      • Diarrhea
      10
      Permalink
    • "Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

      "Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

      Tags:
      • President
      • George Bush
      10
      Permalink
    • There are two types of people in the world:

      Those who complete their sentences.

      Tags:
      • Language
      10
      Permalink
    • My psychologist told me, "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."

      I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

      Tags:
      • Fire
      • Psychology
      10
      Permalink
    • As a kid I had to walk the plank...

      We couldn't afford a dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      10
      Permalink
    • The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

      The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Jail
      10
      Permalink
    • Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.

      I thought it was a nice jester.

      Tags:
      • Clown
      10
      Permalink
    • Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?

      Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

      10
      Permalink
    • I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

      It's nice to have some company.

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Loneliness
      10
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend and I were fighting in the car

      We glared at each other and I thought neither of us would back down, but in the end we struck an Accord.

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      • Girlfriend
      10
      Permalink
    • Someone had the audacity to delete every version of Microsoft Office from my computer.

      I have no Words.

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
      10
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend broke the news that she's pregnant

      I responded, "Congrats, now you have something to remember me by."

      Tags:
      • Pregnancy
      • Girlfriend
      10
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend and I spent $40 on a pesto pasta

      It was worth every penne.

      Tags:
      • Pasta
      • Girlfriend
      10
      Permalink
    • I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...

      That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??

      Tags:
      • United States
      10
      Permalink
    • I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley

      Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      • Will Hunting
      10
      Permalink
    • two bears walk into a bar

      no one survived.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      10
      Permalink
    • I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard

      I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      10
      Permalink
    • An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim

      I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      10
      Permalink
    • People say cannibals are disgusting human beings

      But this one tastes pretty good

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      10
      Permalink
    • I have a really good relationship with the elevator operator.

      We speak to each other on so many different levels.

      Tags:
      • Elevator
      10
      Permalink
    • My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

      Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant

      Tags:
      • McDonalds
      • Taco Bell
      10
      Permalink
    • We've had a horrible winter this year.

      It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      10
      Permalink
    • I have the heart of a lion

      And a lifetime ban from the local zoo

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      10
      Permalink
    • My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

      I still don't know how much she charged him though.

      Tags:
      • Satan
      10
      Permalink
    • Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.

      Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".

      Tags:
      • Semen
      • New York
      • New Jersey
      10
      Permalink
    • I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

      it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy. it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

      Tags:
      • Football
      • New York
      10
      Permalink
    • Trump would be an amazing dentist

      He is against anything that's not white and straight.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      10
      Permalink
    • I always thought Americans should say "B".

      Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

      Tags:
      • America
      10
      Permalink
    • my great grandmother got me a ps4 for Christmas

      my so-so grandmother got me socks

      Tags:
      • Grandmother
      10
      Permalink
    • This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.

      He said it was the best trade he's ever made

      Tags:
      • Car
      10
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke.

      We are in a serious relationship.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      • Relationship
      10
      Permalink
    • I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

      To reverse and leaving the scene.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Insurance
      10
      Permalink
    • For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

      Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      10
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

      Anybody know what "ternative" means?

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      10
      Permalink
    • What's the most effective birth control device for men.

      Their manners.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Birth control
      10
      Permalink
    • Grammar is important.

      Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

      10
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention!"

      Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"

      10
      Permalink
    • If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

      ...they would start to find me attractive.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Money
      21
      Permalink
    • My dad always tells me he never makes the same mistake twice...

      ...I'm an only child.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      21
      Permalink
    • The light was so bad at a Chinese restaurant I couldn't read the total on the bill.

      It was a dim sum.

      Tags:
      • Dim Sum
      • Restaurant
      10
      Permalink
    • I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

      But it was just my imagine Asian.

      Tags:
      • Asian
      • Japan
      • Imaginary friend
      21
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris doesn't read books.

      He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

      Tags:
      • Reading
      • Chuck Norris
      10
      Permalink
    • I like Peter Pan jokes because they never get old.

      Just like those kids in my basement.

      Tags:
      • Basement
      • Children
      • Peter Pan
      21
      Permalink
    • I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night.

      I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Sock
      • Cooking
      • Dyslexia
      32
      Permalink
    • England doesn't have a kidney bank...

      But it does have a Liverpool.

      Tags:
      • Anatomy
      • English
      21
      Permalink
    • Dads are like boomerangs...

      I hope.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Boomerang
      10
      Permalink
    • I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

      I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

      Tags:
      • Beach
      • Shark
      • Swimming
      21
      Permalink
    • Every program I write is completely error-free.

      No exceptions!

      Tags:
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

      I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe.

      Tags:
      • Spider
      00
      Permalink
    • My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.

      I told him to leave me alone, and then when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • My father suffers from short term memory loss.

      I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

      Tags:
      • Memory
      00
      Permalink
    • I've said it before, I'll say it again.

      It.

      Tags:
      • Word
      00
      Permalink
    • I was surprised to learn my daughter failed the road driving test.

      She tweeted three times that it seemed to be going well.

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Driver's License
      00
      Permalink
    • A wife is like a hand grenade.

      You take away the ring, and there goes your house.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife turned and looked at me screaming, "Did you hear what I just said?!"

      Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • Last night I found out that my wife has conditional gender dysphoria.

      She said she needed to be Frank with me.

      00
      Permalink
    • My wife said "You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot..."

      It was a third degree burn.

      Tags:
      • College
      • College
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

      The pounds will drop fast.

      Tags:
      • Brexit
      • England
      00
      Permalink
    • It's hard to say what my wife does for a living.

      She sells seashells on the seashore.

      Tags:
      • Word
      00
      Permalink
    • If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • My mates reckon that I'll find any excuse to have a drink.

      Speaking of beer...

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • I am giving up drinking for a month.

      Sorry that came out wrong.

      I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my tumors like I like my bingo numbers.

      B9!

      Tags:
      • Bingo
      00
      Permalink
    • 19 and 20 got in a fight.

      21.

      Tags:
      • Number
      00
      Permalink
    • UK: We call it "Autumn", from the French word "Automne", and later, from the Latin "autumnus".

      US: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN

      Tags:
      • Autumn
      • United States
      00
      Permalink
    • I get nostalgic when driving my car in reverse.

      It always takes me back.

      Tags:
      • Car
      00
      Permalink
    • My paper airplane won't fly.

      It's stationery.

      00
      Permalink
    • An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

      Police are confident they can recover both of the stolen machines.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • I was just explaining Google to my Granny.

      "Pick anything to search for," I told her.

      "What about a nice cream pie?" she asked.

      "Except that." I replied.

      Tags:
      • Google
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

      I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

      Tags:
      • Height
      00
      Permalink
    • I went to a really emotional wedding the other day...

      Even the cake was in tiers.

      Tags:
      • Wedding
      00
      Permalink
    • If you ever feel lonely, just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies.

      After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

      Tags:
      • Loneliness
      00
      Permalink
    • Smoking is a scientific wonder!

      It kills people, but cures salmon.

      Tags:
      • Smoking
      00
      Permalink
    • I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

      Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Pregnancy
      00
      Permalink
    • I want to repaint my room a shade of white.

      But I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "The Oscars".

      Tags:
      • Color
      • Oscars
      • White People
      00
      Permalink
    • I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

      Just 30 pounds to go.

      Tags:
      • Weight Loss
      00
      Permalink
    • Today I learned the U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

      At least we're in the top 10.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • United States
      00
      Permalink
    • My grandfather destroyed 30 german planes during World War 2

      He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

      Tags:
      • Germany
      • Grandfather
      • World War II
      00
      Permalink
    • How long is a Chinese person.

      So is his brother.

      Tags:
      • China
      00
      Permalink
    • My son asked me, "Dad, what is coincidence?"

      I said, "Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing."

      00
      Permalink
    • People say I don't have friends, but they're wrong.

      I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

      Tags:
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my women like I like my coffee

      I've never had coffee but it smells really nice..

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Coffee
      00
      Permalink
    • If you're want to dress slutty for Halloween, go as a professor.

      They barely cover anything important.

      Tags:
      • Halloween
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings.

      You could say I have a complex complex complex.

      Tags:
      • Fear
      • Word
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm sure wherever my dad is he's looking down on us.

      He's not dead, just very condescending.

      Tags:
      • Father
      00
      Permalink
    • I have a girlfriend...

      I'm not sure if this is really a joke, but everyone laughs when I say it.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times.

      He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Lumberjack
      00
      Permalink
    • Only 1300's kids will get this.

      The Black Plague

      Tags:
      • Black Plague
      11
      Permalink
    • I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within 4 inches.

      Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife's cooking is incredible.

      With a silent 'cr'.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Cooking
      00
      Permalink
    • Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

      This month, lunch is on me.

      Tags:
      • Muslim
      • Holiday
      00
      Permalink
    • At will call for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me.

      It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.

      00
      Permalink
    • I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts.

      Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you'd think.

      Tags:
      • Fired
      00
      Permalink
    • I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week.

      I told him it's growing on me.

      Tags:
      • Barber
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend just accused me of being a cross-dresser.

      I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen.

      He could have been protected from harmful rays.

      Tags:
      • Steve Irwin
      00
      Permalink
    • I once dated a girl that collected magazines.

      But she had too many issues.

      00
      Permalink
    • When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands.

      Because she's deaf.

      Tags:
      • Deafness
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My boss told me to "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

      Now I'm in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

      Tags:
      • Job
      • Batman
      00
      Permalink
    • The English football team visited an orphanage in Brazil.

      "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose age 6.

      Tags:
      • Soccer
      • England
      00
      Permalink
    • Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder...

      What happened to my roof?

      00
      Permalink
    • I went for my interview to be a bus driver.

      I said, "Sorry I'm late."

      They said, "You're hired"

      Tags:
      • Bus
      • Bus Driver
      • Job interview
      00
      Permalink
    • Ramadan really puts the slim in Muslim.

      Tags:
      • Muslim
      • Weight Loss
      00
      Permalink
    • There are two important rules in business.

      Number 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • I don't understand all the fuss about using 3D printers to make guns.

      I've had a Canon printer for years!

      Tags:
      • Gun
      00
      Permalink
    • If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?

      Tags:
      • Physics
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookiee Cookies".

      They were a little on the Chewy side.

      Tags:
      • Baking
      • Star Wars
      00
      Permalink
    • Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station

      Detectives have nothing to go on.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Toilet
      00
      Permalink
    • I'd tell you a good time travel joke

      But you didn't get it.

      Tags:
      • Time Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • I used to earn a living doing backing vocals.

      I can still remember the words, "This vehicle is reversing."

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Singing
      00
      Permalink
    • I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.

      He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

      Simply turn off the WiFi router and wait where it's located.

      Tags:
      • Family
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • Baby monitors are magical.

      When I turn it off my baby stops crying.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • If trees produced WIDI we plant them everywhere.

      Too bad they only produce oxygen.

      Tags:
      • Tree
      • Plant
      11
      Permalink
    • There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

      Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

      Tags:
      • College
      • Writing
      00
      Permalink
    • Some people say I am crazy.

      Luckily, only I can hear them.

      Tags:
      • Schizophrenia
      • Mental Health
      00
      Permalink
    • There are two things that always make me jump.

      My legs.

      00
      Permalink
    • A Roman walks into a bar.

      He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Roman
      • Number
      00
      Permalink
    • If I had a penny for every time someone didn't understand me

      I'd make more cents.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • My physics teacher told me I had potential.

      Then he threw me off the roof.

      Tags:
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.

      I guess I'll deal with him later.

      Tags:
      • Tattoo
      • Playing Cards
      00
      Permalink
    • Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

      "A lemon tree, my dear Watson".

      Tags:
      • Sherlock Holmes
      00
      Permalink
    • I bought an answering machine today but I think it's broken.

      I've asked it loads of questions but nothing's happening.

      Tags:
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • I've decided to take the day off today.

      Now I just call it 'To'.

      00
      Permalink
    • Just like his father, Kim Jong-Un takes a binocular wherever he goes.

      For proper gander purposes.

      Tags:
      • Kim Jong Un
      00
      Permalink
    • My neighbor came knocking on my door at 2:30 am. Unbelievable!

      Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Bagpipes
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend's cellphone service sucks!

      Eight days ago when she said, "We're breaking up," the call ended, and it's gone straight to voicemail ever since.

      Tags:
      • Breakup
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • At last, a herb related joke.

      It's about thyme.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • I was going to write a joke about feminism...

      But my husband wouldn't let me.

      Tags:
      • Feminism
      00
      Permalink
    • "Mom, am I ugly?"

      "I told you not to call me mom in front of people."

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Children
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.

      I have any idea where sandwiches live.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Hunting
      00
      Permalink
    • A man is washing his car with his son.

      After a while the boy says to his Father "Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Son
      • Father
      00
      Permalink
    • Just burned 2,000 calories.

      That's the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I nap.

      Tags:
      • Baking
      • Weight Loss
      00
      Permalink
    • Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?

      I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas.

      Tags:
      • Art major
      00
      Permalink
    • My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our friend Ty is now the state boxing champion.

      The Chinese don't want to recognize Ty won.

      Tags:
      • China
      • Taiwan
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

      Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

      Tags:
      • Reading
      • Blindness
      00
      Permalink
    • Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks

      I mean, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?

      Tags:
      • Shark
      00
      Permalink
    • The origami boxing match was on the other night.

      Shame, though, as it was only on paper-view.

      00
      Permalink
    • My friend met his wife on tinder...

      ... six months after their wedding

      Tags:
      • Dating
      • Tinder
      00
      Permalink
    • An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Ebay.

      It was secondhand.

      Tags:
      • Amputation
      00
      Permalink
    • If two pharaohs farted at the same time.

      They would have a toot in common.

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Egypt
      00
      Permalink
    • Purple is my favorite color!

      I like it more than blue and red combined.

      Tags:
      • Color
      00
      Permalink
    • I recently sold my vacuum.

      It was just collecting dust.

      Tags:
      • Vacuum
      00
      Permalink
    • I used to own a nocturnal horse.

      She was a nightmare.

      Tags:
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • I dreamt I was making a salad.

      I was tossing all night.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      00
      Permalink
    • I hate it when people make fun of the disabled.

      They can't even stand up for themselves.

      Tags:
      • Handicapped
      00
      Permalink
    • If you're at the Apple Store when it gets robbed...

      You're an iWitness.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      • Burglary
      00
      Permalink
    • Being the first to move in chess...

      Is white privilege.

      Tags:
      • Chess
      00
      Permalink
    • So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.

      The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later.

      "Sir, we have good news and bad news."

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Veterinarian
      00
      Permalink
    • I have a job as a gym instructor.

      But it isn't working out.

      Tags:
      • gym
      • Exercise
      00
      Permalink
    • When I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.

      It was my signature move.

      Tags:
      • Wrestling
      00
      Permalink
    • My Doctor gave me something to treat my hemorrhoids.

      But I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Hemorrhoid
      00
      Permalink
    • My doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking.

      So I drink in front of a mirror now.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Alcohol
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • Two years ago I asked my dream girl on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

      She said no on both occasions.

      Tags:
      • Rejection
      00
      Permalink
    • The invisible man married the invisible woman.

      Their kids were nothing to look at.

      Tags:
      • Invisibility
      00
      Permalink
    • I've just had a ploughman's lunch.

      He wasn't very happy about it.

      Tags:
      • Lunch
      00
      Permalink
    • My house cleaner is getting really annoying.

      She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Divorce
      • Housework
      00
      Permalink
    • I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

      He told me to stop going to those places.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • It was a good orgy, all in all.

      Tags:
      • Orgy
      00
      Permalink
    • The label on my biscuits said, "Store in a cool place"

      So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.

      Tags:
      • Samuel L. Jackson
      00
      Permalink
    • As a masochist I enjoy getting up at 3AM and having a cold shower.

      So I don't.

      Tags:
      • Masochist
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces.

      Why knot?

      00
      Permalink
    • Had a massage today, but I didn't like it.

      They rubbed me the wrong way.

      Tags:
      • Massage
      00
      Permalink
    • I call my wife treasure.

      Cause she looks like she's just been dug up.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • I always wanted to be a doctor.

      But I never had the patience.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • I met my wife on the net.

      We were terrible trapeze artists.

      Tags:
      • Circus
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war.

      He never talked about it though.

      Tags:
      • War
      • Grandfather
      • Speech impediment
      00
      Permalink
    • A girl I fancy just phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."

      I went over. Nobody was home.

      00
      Permalink
    • I fought a guy on some moving stairs today.

      We started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there!

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      00
      Permalink
    • My doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics.

      It runs in my genes.

      Tags:
      • Diarrhea
      00
      Permalink
    • Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.

      Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."

      Tags:
      • School
      • America
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • President Trump! What about the aliens from space?

      We need a ROOF!

      Tags:
      • Alien
      • President
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • My crazy ex-wife divorced me because I was bad at directions.

      She said I didn't notice when we both went south.

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      • Directions
      00
      Permalink
    • A programmer had a problem, so he decided to use Java.

      He now has a ProblemFactory.

      Tags:
      • Java
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • Girls are a lot like butter.

      It's easy to get them to spread with a knife.

      Tags:
      • Rape
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • I started a diet two weeks ago.

      So far I've lost 14 days.

      Tags:
      • Diet
      00
      Permalink
    • Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous.

      I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I'm really disappointed.

      Tags:
      • Plastic Surgery
      00
      Permalink
    • Mathematics is 90% common sense.

      The other half is intelligence.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • I haven't slept for three days.

      Because that would be too long.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      00
      Permalink
    • I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

      Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Housework
      00
      Permalink
    • I gave up alcohol last year.

      It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

      It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Pregnancy
      00
      Permalink
    • I got married to an antenna.

      The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!

      Tags:
      • Wedding
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her, and she'll tell you you're just friends.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Friend Zone
      00
      Permalink
    • Playing doctors and nurses with the wife last night didn't go well.

      Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese!

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Wife
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • My local theatre is showing a play called 'The Dictionary.'

      It's a play on words.

      Tags:
      • Theater
      00
      Permalink
    • I arranged a pessimists meeting today, but it wasn't a great turn out.

      The room was half empty.

      Tags:
      • Pessimist
      00
      Permalink
    • My hands got into an argument last night.

      One was right and the other left.

      Tags:
      • Anatomy
      00
      Permalink
    • I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.

      I've heard it's nice.

      Tags:
      • France
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.

      That just seems a little far-fetched to me.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • I love the way the Earth rotates...

      It makes my day.

      Tags:
      • Earth
      00
      Permalink
    • There are three blondes on an island.

      A genie says they can only have one wish to get themselves off.

      The first says, "I wish I was smart." So she turns into a red head and swims off the island.

      The second says, "I wish I was smarter than her." So she turns into a brunette and swims away.

      The third one says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them." so she turns into a man and walks on the bridge.

      Tags:
      • Genie
      • Blonde
      • Desert Island
      00
      Permalink
    • A doctor walks into his office and informs the patient, "Good news: you passed your hearing test!"

      The patient responds, "HUH?"

      Tags:
      • Deafness
      00
      Permalink
    • A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff.

      Baa-Dumm-Tsss.

      00
      Permalink
    • My grandfather was a baker in the army.

      He went in all buns glazing.

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Baking
      • Grandfather
      00
      Permalink
    • The NFL has hired their first female referee.

      She throws the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.

      Tags:
      • NFL
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A thief broke into my house last night.

      He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Burglary
      00
      Permalink
    • TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college professor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

      The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

      Tags:
      • College
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

      He was dead Sirius.

      Tags:
      • Gary Oldman
      • Harry Potter
      00
      Permalink
    • If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what should you bring?

      Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

      Tags:
      • Desert Island
      • Michael Phelps
      00
      Permalink
    • When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.

      I didn't really. He was just putting words in my mouth.

      Tags:
      • Alphabet
      00
      Permalink
    • I got fired from my job at the pasta factory.

      After a fusilli mistakes.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Pasta
      00
      Permalink
    • If you ever meet a girl named stone...

      Don't take her for granite.

      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar.

      He is an alcoholic and is destroying his family.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • I put my pants on just like everyone else.

      In your mom's bedroom in the morning.

      Tags:
      • Getting ready
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

      Don't worry though, he's 0K.

      Tags:
      • Cold
      00
      Permalink
    • I used to be scared of pretty girls,

      So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      00
      Permalink
    • You can tell a lot about a person...

      Just by not keeping their secrets.

      00
      Permalink
    • A new type of broom has just been released.

      And it is sweeping the nation.

      00
      Permalink
    • My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.

      I said, "Well, dam..."

      00
      Permalink
    • If women can do anything men can do...

      How come they haven't oppressed an entire gender?

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash.

      It was the left wing.

      Tags:
      • Fox News
      00
      Permalink
    • Hindus and vegans must be great friends.

      They never have beef.

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      • Hinduism
      00
      Permalink
    • Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat.

      Then I remember they just feed off attention.

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      00
      Permalink
    • I have a vegan girlfriend and she's nice and all.

      But sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of beet.

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      00
      Permalink
    • Vegans who drink water disgust me.

      That's a fish's house you filthy Savage.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Vegan
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.

      I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?

      Tags:
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my puns like I like my sausages.

      The wurst are the best.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.

      You're too tents.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Native American
      00
      Permalink
    • I gotta hand it to Stephen Hawking

      because he can't catch.

      Tags:
      • Stephen Hawking
      00
      Permalink
    • Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree.

      He's wanted dead and alive.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • I was once a man stuck in a woman's body.

      Then my mother gave birth.

      Tags:
      • Birth
      • Pregnancy
      • Transgender
      00
      Permalink
    • I can't understand my parents.

      I am 35 years old and they're still living with me.

      Tags:
      • Parent
      00
      Permalink
    • A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

      I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • My dyslexic friend likes that my name is Nate.

      He thinks it's neat.

      Tags:
      • Dyslexia
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

      I responded, "Lazy."

      Tags:
      • Lazy
      00
      Permalink
    • I can sympathize with batteries.

      I never get included in anything either.

      00
      Permalink
    • Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

      There were a lot of casual tees.

      Tags:
      • Shopping
      00
      Permalink
    • Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night.

      I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.

      Tags:
      • Politics
      • Republican
      • Melania Trump
      • Michelle Obama
      00
      Permalink
    • If your ex-wife and ex-mother in Law were drowning and you could only save one...

      What kind of sandwich would you make?

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Drowning
      • Mother In Law
      00
      Permalink
    • They say 99% of the population is stupid...

      I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • They used to be called "Jumpolines"...

      ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • My Dr. just diagnosed me as 'paranoid'!

      Well, she didn't say that, but I know the bitch was thinking it!

      Tags:
      • Paranoia
      00
      Permalink
    • Years ago Chuck Norris set up a simple little home network and gave it a name.

      It's called the internet.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • I went on a job interview for a security guard.

      After spending 12 hours in the waiting room they hired me.

      Tags:
      • Security
      • Job interview
      00
      Permalink
    • To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice.

      To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.

      Tags:
      • Crime
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80HD.

      Sadly it can't focus.

      Tags:
      • ADHD
      • Photography
      00
      Permalink
    • I was addicted to hokey pokey.

      But I turned myself around.

      00
      Permalink
    • So I met a vegan.

      I'd finish the joke, but she's still talking.

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      00
      Permalink
    • "It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

      It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

      Tags:
      • Thailand
      • Transgender
      00
      Permalink
    • Losing game pieces sucks.

      Especially when it's hide and seek... I'll never forget you, Brian..

      Tags:
      • Game
      00
      Permalink
    • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

      Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • I went to an art contest recently...

      It ended in a draw.

      Tags:
      • Art
      • Drawing
      00
      Permalink
    • I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns.

      Comet me bro.

      Tags:
      • Space
      00
      Permalink
    • To be Frank...

      I'd have to change my name

      00
      Permalink
    • And God said to man, "I will put obedient women on all corners of the world."

      Then he laughed as he made the world a ball.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Earth
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris once walked down a street with his fists in his pockets.

      He was then arrested for concealing two deadly weapons.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • Jesus, take the wheel.

      Carlos, take the stereo.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • I used to work in a bakery, but I didn't really enjoy it, and the pay wasn't great.

      I just kneaded the dough.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Baking
      00
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.

      At night.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar.

      He backs up, unwraps it, and enjoys its chocolatey deliciousness.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Chocolate
      00
      Permalink
    • Guys, police jokes aren't funny.

      So give it arrest.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • If you have a grief nobody feels,

      If you have a pain nobody feels.

      If your heart is broken nobody feels,

      but if you fart all will understand.

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Poetry
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

      Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.

      She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Wife
      • Wine
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • I can remember where I got married.

      I can remember when I got married.

      I just can't remember why.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another.

      So far we've been up for three weeks.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."

      The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"

      Tags:
      • Broom
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • There are two essential rules to management.

      First, the customer is always right. Second, they must be punished for their arrogance.

      Tags:
      • Manager
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • A husband was looking for a way to get his wife to drive more carefully and he found it:

      "Darling, if you have an accident, the police will record your real age!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • I love pressing F5.

      It's refreshing.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment."

      I said, "I don't get it."

      He said, "That's right."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Idiot
      • Manager
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend told me that will change me.

      I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Relationship
      • Relationship
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • I am a marvelous housekeeper.

      Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Money
      • Women
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • I have a fear of speed bumps.

      But I am slowly getting over it.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • I am a dog

      And you are a flower.

      I lift my leg up

      And give you a shower.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Poetry
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.

      But In the end, it doesn't even matter.

      Tags:
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife is so negative.

      I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

      Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Baby
      • Wife
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

      Some days I just stand at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Insulting
      00
      Permalink
    • If I had only one day left to live, I would spend it in math class.

      It would seem so much longer.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.

      It may come across as judgmental, but really, I've only ever known and loved her as Christine.

      Tags:
      • Christian
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"

      My simple answer is:

      It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

      Please be prepared for my mood.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Office
      00
      Permalink
    • I have got a new dog.

      We have trained together for two months and imagine, after these two months I was able to reach him my paw and managed even barking around on command.

      My dog can be proud of myself.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Time
      00
      Permalink
    • "My wife drives like thunder."

      "So fast?"

      "No, every minute she strikes a tree."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Time
      • Wife
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.

      He sure was a popular guy.

      Everywhere he went, people shouted "Hi Hitler" and gave him a little wave.

      Tags:
      • Hitler
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • "My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I m positive he isn't."

      "How do you know he isn't?"

      "Because I am."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.

      The rest of them will write Perl programs.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Animal
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard.

      I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

      That'll blow his little mind.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one.

      Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one?"

      "I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • There are only two kinds of computer.

      The latest model, and the obsolete.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ...

      20 years old and mixed up with coke !

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears.

      What am I?

      Ugly!

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day.

      Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.

      Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      • Technology
      • Valentines day
      00
      Permalink
    • There are two theories about how to argue with women.

      Neither one works.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife asked if I would give it to her "doggy style."

      So I took a dump on the floor and chewed up her shoes.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house.

      So I did - the middle one.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • I have two accounts on Facebook it means I have two faces.

      It's really good because one is cuter to attract people.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      • Facebook
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.

      If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way.

      My dad left it to me in his will.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife hates the sight of me when I'm drunk.

      But I hate the sight of her when I'm sober.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • 'If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.

      This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.' Mark Twain

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard.

      I'm talking day-in and day-out just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it's all over, he showers and goes to his job.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • I can tell when my wife drinks.

      Her face gets blurred.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say "you'll be next!"

      They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !

      Tags:
      • Funeral
      • Wedding
      00
      Permalink
    • There are two cows in a field.

      One says to the other:

      "So what do you think of mad cow disease?"

      The other replies: "I don't know, I'm a chicken!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife and I have our little fights.

      We had a fight last week.

      Nothing much, only two police cars.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

      He's always looking over his shoulder.

      Tags:
      • Stephen Hawking
      00
      Permalink
    • An angry feminist told me that men are pigs!

      So I told her that women are equal to men.

      Tags:
      • Feminism
      00
      Permalink
    • I just spotted a Chihuahua!

      That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • I bought a dog the other day...

      I named him Stay.

      It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay!

      Come here, Stay!"

      He went insane.

      Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

      He's an East German Shepherd.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?

      That's right, Sir.

      So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?

      That was my dentist.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
      Permalink
    • "I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth."

      "Hundred dollars!

      Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!"

      "Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
      Permalink
    • If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?

      The mountain lion.

      You can always shoot the bull!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently.

      A sales man came out and said: 'Come on in.

      They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!'

      Later I learned he was talking about the payments.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • I don't think my Mom knows much about children.

      Why do you say that?

      Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake, and gets me up when I'm sleepy!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice.

      You don't want justice - you want mercy!

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • My computer isn't that nervous.

      It's just a bit ANSI.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • I love u.

      It's my favourite vowel.

      Tags:
      • Grammar
      • Alphabet
      11
      Permalink
    • I beat a black belt at karate.

      My next challenger is a green sock.

      Tags:
      • Martial Arts
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer.

      Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice.

      Tags:
      • Job
      • Exercise
      00
      Permalink
    • Life is like a box of chocolates.

      It doesn't last too long for fat people.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Chocolate
      00
      Permalink
    • A Kraft cheese factory recently burned down.

      No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.

      Tags:
      • Kraft
      • Cheese
      00
      Permalink
    • My dad always said, "I before E except after C".

      Society taught me otherwise.

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      00
      Permalink
    • If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal...

      Then she's a keeper.

      Tags:
      • Soccer
      00
      Permalink
    • Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?

      I'm not so sure about this NFL draft thing.

      Tags:
      • NFL
      • Slavery
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time.

      Though I do get funny looks for talking to herbs.

      Tags:
      • Plant
      • Cooking
      00
      Permalink
    • I thought about buying a pocket calculator.

      And then I thought who cares how many pockets I have.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Calculator
      00
      Permalink
    • 99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs.

      Take one down, patch it around... 127 little bugs in the code.

      Tags:
      • Bug
      • Software
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • Apparently my friends think I'm paranoid.

      I knew it.

      Tags:
      • Paranoia
      00
      Permalink
    • "You the bomb!"

      "No you the bomb!"

      A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.

      Tags:
      • Bomb
      • Terrorist
      • Middle East
      00
      Permalink
    • I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

      Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.

      00
      Permalink
    • I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet.

      So far I've got eight fridges.

      Tags:
      • Magnet
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

      I mean, have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Eyesight
      00
      Permalink
    • I treat women like I do numbers.

      If they're under 16, do them in your head.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Three politicians go to heaven.

      No, seriously, it could happen.

      Tags:
      • Heaven
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book.

      The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

      Tags:
      • Drawing
      00
      Permalink
    • Boolean Algebra.

      You either know it or you don't.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Yes, it is.

      Is time travel possible?

      Tags:
      • Time Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space.

      It's about time, too.

      Tags:
      • Albert Einstein
      00
      Permalink
    • I hear cancer is hard to beat

      No one got past stage 4.

      Tags:
      • Cancer
      • Video Game
      00
      Permalink
    • Sometimes I stare at a Frisbee and wonder why it is getting bigger.

      Then it hits me.

      Tags:
      • Frisbee
      00
      Permalink
    • They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"

      They are right - that field isn't hiring!

      Tags:
      • Job
      00
      Permalink
    • I was just in Oklahoma.

      It was OK.

      Tags:
      • Oklahoma
      00
      Permalink
    • Just finished a puzzle in only two weeks!

      I'm pretty proud of myself, because the box said 3-5 years.

      Tags:
      • Puzzle
      00
      Permalink
    • I'll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart.

      But doing it with their eyes closed... that's a bit cocky.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • China
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my women like I like my wine.

      Twelve years old and in the cellar.

      Tags:
      • Wine
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself:

      "What the hell happened to the roof?"

      Tags:
      • Bedroom
      00
      Permalink
    • I threw a boomerang a few years ago

      I now live in constant fear.

      Tags:
      • Boomerang
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know what the fastest growing city in Ireland is?

      Dublin. It keeps Dublin and Dublin.

      Tags:
      • Irish
      00
      Permalink
    • I can hear music coming out of my printer.

      I think the papers jammin' again

      Tags:
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • My parents raised me as an only child.

      It really upset my sister.

      Tags:
      • Parent
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July.

      Surely 239 years of being officially separated from America is something to be happy about.

      Tags:
      • United States
      • United Kingdom
      00
      Permalink
    • I have decided to write all my jokes in capitols from now on.

      This one was written in London.

      00
      Permalink
    • "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

      Is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Vegetarian
      00
      Permalink
    • I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago.

      Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.

      Tags:
      • Robber
      00
      Permalink
    • I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.

      That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

      Tags:
      • Toilet
      00
      Permalink
    • I used to like banking...

      But then I lost interest.

      Tags:
      • Bank
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up...

      They would be alloys.

      Tags:
      • Iron Man
      • Superhero
      00
      Permalink
    • If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

      I'd hate to toot my own horn.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Trumpet
      00
      Permalink
    • I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn".

      Stupid firemen.

      Tags:
      • Fireman
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession

      She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer".

      I said "But baby, I can change".

      She said "There you go again!"

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      • Transformers
      00
      Permalink
    • Don't walk through a field of psychedelic mushrooms

      It's quite a tripping hazard.

      Tags:
      • Mushroom
      00
      Permalink
    • Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force.

      The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.

      Tags:
      • Star Wars
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

      Go for the juggler.

      Tags:
      • Clown
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the beaver mad?

      Because no one came to his dam party.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Three feminists walk into a bar.

      They look at one another and say, "Hooray! We've taken over a male-dominated joke format!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Feminism
      00
      Permalink
    • Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

      Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

      Tags:
      • Aviation
      • Sky Diving
      00
      Permalink
    • No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

      I know I can always count on them.

      Tags:
      • Counting
      00
      Permalink
    • I used to be a narcissist.

      But now look at me.

      Tags:
      • Narcissism
      00
      Permalink
    • Life Pro Tip: If your dentist has no painkillers, ask him for Helium.

      It will be hilarious when you scream.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      • Painkiller
      00
      Permalink
    • My son was on eBay this morning

      No bids yet.

      Tags:
      • Ebay
      • Adoption
      00
      Permalink
    • I took a class at Trump University.

      The textbook had four Chapter 11s.

      Tags:
      • Bankruptcy
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died...

      She got squashed by a giant crab.

      Tags:
      • Cancer
      • Astrology
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

      She got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.

      Tags:
      • Cheating
      • Scrabble
      00
      Permalink
    • Told my co-workers this joke about mandatory meetings.

      You really had to be there.

      Tags:
      • Office
      00
      Permalink
    • I should clean mirrors for a living.

      It's a profession I can see myself in.

      Tags:
      • Job
      • Mirror
      00
      Permalink
    • I put my root beer in a square glass.

      Now it's just beer.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office.

      The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "Hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

      Tags:
      • Sigmund Freud
      • Psychiatry
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife has everything I could ever want in a woman:

      Low standards.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • I love whiteboards

      They're remarkable.

      Tags:
      • Drawing
      00
      Permalink
    • My friends tell me I'm condescending

      Condescending is when you talk down to people

      00
      Permalink
    • I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

      Free.

      Tags:
      • Coffee
      • Slavery
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend has a habit of dropping things.

      It's getting out of hand.

      00
      Permalink
    • When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.

      Impressive.

      Tags:
      • Japan
      • Ninja
      • Vacation
      00
      Permalink
    • I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth.

      I never realized just how much blood I was eating.

      Tags:
      • Blood
      • Teeth
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife told me to treat her like a princess.

      So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Princess
      • Lady Diana
      00
      Permalink
    • They say that trains are full of weird people...

      ...but I don't think that's true. I've never met a weird person on a train, and I talk to everyone.

      Tags:
      • Train
      00
      Permalink
    • If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

      ... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

      Tags:
      • Monk
      • Dalai Lama
      00
      Permalink
    • I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open.

      I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

      Tags:
      • Gravity
      • Sky Diving
      00
      Permalink
    • My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing "Danger Zone" 7 times in a row.

      He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

      Tags:
      • Karaoke
      • Kenny Loggins
      00
      Permalink
    • Friends are like bananas.

      If you peel their skin and eat them they die.

      00
      Permalink
    • The bartender said we don't serve time travellers...

      Two time travellers walk into a bar.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Time Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons.

      It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

      Tags:
      • Winter
      • Justin Bieber
      00
      Permalink
    • When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...

      I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Friends are like trees...

      They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

      00
      Permalink
    • My friend was raped by a troupe of mime artists...

      They did unspeakable things to her.

      Tags:
      • Mime
      00
      Permalink
    • I once lost my thesaurus...

      And I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.

      Tags:
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82...

      ...I'm easily lead.

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      • Hypnotist
      00
      Permalink
    • A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.

      I guess it's a running joke.

      Tags:
      • Usain Bolt
      00
      Permalink
    • It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving for weeks afterward.

      Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

      Tags:
      • Thanksgiving
      00
      Permalink
    • "Mummy, Mummy! what's for dinner?"

      "Shut up and get back in the oven."

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I should put my GPA up for adoption.

      There's no way I can raise it by myself.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Adoption
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my women how I like my bicycles.

      Chained up in the garage.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • People don't approve when I run up to them in the street and try to make plaster casts of their faces.

      At least that's the impression that I get.

      00
      Permalink
    • I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area.

      Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

      Tags:
      • Cheese
      • Supermarket
      00
      Permalink
    • I don't trust stairs...

      They look like they're up to something.

      00
      Permalink
    • I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

      It was breath taking.

      11
      Permalink
    • My friend recently told me he was allergic to blood...

      I told him he was full of it.

      Tags:
      • Blood
      • Allergy
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my women like I like my microwave

      Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

      Tags:
      • Microwave
      00
      Permalink
    • So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

      It was tense.

      Tags:
      • Grammar
      00
      Permalink
    • My thesaurus is awful.

      Not only that, it's also awful.

      Tags:
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife and I walked past a fancy restaurant, and she said "Ohh, something smells nice."

      So I decided to treat her - I let her walk past it a second time.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

      It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

      I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Environment
      00
      Permalink
    • Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness...

      Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Mental Health
      00
      Permalink
    • Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister.

      It's Trudeau.

      Tags:
      • Canada
      • Justin Trudeau
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend told me I don't know what irony is...

      Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.

      Tags:
      • Irony
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...

      Outlook not so good.

      Tags:
      • Email
      • Microsoft
      00
      Permalink
    • Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip?

      I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

      Tags:
      • Bank
      • Robber
      00
      Permalink
    • My Ex made the worst coffee.

      I thought it was grounds for divorce.

      Tags:
      • Coffee
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

      Classic rook-y mistake.

      Tags:
      • Chess
      00
      Permalink
    • A girl told me she had a dream that I made love to her...

      I mean, technically, she didn't say "dream," she said "nightmare," but close enough.

      Tags:
      • Dream
      • Nightmare
      00
      Permalink
    • If the letters fall off your company's logo...

      ...maybe it's a bad sign.

      Tags:
      • Graphic Design
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my women how I like my old bike...

      ... chained up in the shed.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • I think my neighbor is stalking me through her computer because I've seen her google my name.

      I'm certain I saw it on my telescope last night.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • Times New Roman walks into a saloon.

      The bartender says to him, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your type here." So he shot the serif.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job.

      I have half a mind to tell him so.

      Tags:
      • Doctor Who
      00
      Permalink
    • I made a deposit at the sperm bank last night.

      She really hates it when I call her that though.

      Tags:
      • Semen
      00
      Permalink
    • SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.

      He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Dylan Roof
      00
      Permalink
    • Archaeologists digging in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Nuts

      Experts believe it to be a Pharaoh Roche

      Tags:
      • Chocolate
      00
      Permalink
    • I once told a chemistry joke

      There was no reaction

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.

      You have to recall everything.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Engineer
      00
      Permalink
    • Reflection vs Refraction

      the point at which I realize how lucky I am to not have an Asian professor.

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.

      It was difficult to deal with.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • If Donald Trump becomes president

      we will have toupee more taxes.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • 3 fonts walk into a bar.

      Bartender says, "We don't serve your type."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

      Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks.

      Dad loved her, but mum said she could've done with another hour on a low heat.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      11
      Permalink
    • Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.

      Most strippers have little or no coverage.

      Tags:
      • Insurance
      00
      Permalink
    • Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu".

      I am pretty sure about it.

      Tags:
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted.

      Now the police call that Identity theft.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Two snakes walk into a bar.

      Turns out they were lizards.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

      You won't believe what happens next.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I bought my mom a fridge for her birthday present

      You should have seen her face light up when she opened it!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • It's Albert Einstein, not mine

      Few things are Infinite, The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.

      Tags:
      • Universe
      • Idiot
      • Albert Einstein
      00
      Permalink
    • Who is this Rorschach guy?

      And why does he keep making paintings of my parents fighting?

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      00
      Permalink
    • Comic Sans walks into a bar.

      The bartender yells, "we don't serve your type in here."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking

      She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church...

      The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here." The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • New dating app for German Catholic Priests

      Kinder

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology.

      She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot.

      It got toad.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Handicapped
      00
      Permalink
    • No one laughed at my geography joke

      I guess you had to be there.

      Tags:
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • Donald Trump is not actually a member of the Republican Party

      He's a *Whig*

      Tags:
      • Republican
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • While in bed, my girlfriend said, "OMG it's so large!"

      Problem is, I'm a serious arachnophobe, and it was right next to me.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.

      The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      • Stewardess
      00
      Permalink
    • I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance.

      Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms.

      Tags:
      • Al Gore
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • If you and jack were horseback riding

      Would you help jack off the horse?

      Tags:
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • I can never talk to my Dad at breakfast because he still reads newspapers.

      I guess you could say he's behind The Times.

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
      00
      Permalink
    • My first workout back at the gym was great.

      I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend left me....

      she said she was sick of my tree puns what a beech

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs

      I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Girlfriend told me she wanted to see our kids

      so I came in her eye

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...

      You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.

      Tags:
      • Comedian
      00
      Permalink
    • I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee...

      My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church

      I really hope I get the missionary position

      Tags:
      • Missionary
      00
      Permalink
    • I texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over.

      I'm Ruthless.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I bet my butcher £50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

      He said "No, the steaks are too high".

      Tags:
      • Butcher
      00
      Permalink
    • I used to date computer programs but that's over now

      My girlfriend still worries that I may go back but I reply to her "they're just exes "

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Car company executives must have the best memories in the world

      because GM recalls everything.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • How Long is an asian dick

      I mean, seriously, I saw him stealing cookies from a little girl.

      Tags:
      • Stealing
      00
      Permalink
    • A pothead, a rapist and a dog killer walk into a bar.

      The Steelers must be in town.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia

      Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago...

      ...and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

      Tags:
      • Vacuum
      00
      Permalink
    • Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately.

      He's on the low-fact diet.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Beyonce has more black people inside her than.

      Donald trumps cabinet.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers.

      They don't like integration.

      Tags:
      • Alabama
      00
      Permalink
    • TIL there was a dinosaur that had three butts.

      It was from the Triassic period.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day

      Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

      "No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • To the handicapped guy who stole my bag:

      You can hide but you can't run.

      Tags:
      • Handicapped
      00
      Permalink
    • If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

      Tags:
      • Bill Gates
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday...

      So I took her to a baseball game.

      Tags:
      • Jewelry
      • Baseball
      00
      Permalink
    • I got teased by my friends, because they thought my girlfriend was imaginary

      Jokes on them - they are too.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport,

      boy she has a lot of baggage.

      Tags:
      • Airport
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I turned into a cat earlier

      Don't ask meow

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants.

      But she has already changed her mind.

      Tags:
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • 'Jesus loves you' means one thing in general society.

      And something completely different in prison.

      Tags:
      • Jail
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • I ate too much alphabet soup and became consonated.

      I was better after I evacuated my vowels.

      Tags:
      • Alphabet
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend's bakery burned down last night.

      Now his business is toast.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset

      But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend

      They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman walks into a bar and says, "I'll have an entendre, in fact, make it a double"

      So he gave it to her.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Hillary Clinton will make the best president

      She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • The font for alphabet soup

      Is times new ramen.

      Tags:
      • Alphabet
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is like my iPad

      I don't have an iPad.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to the Masters.

      Just in case they get a hole in one.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend and I could never agree on holidays...

      I wanted to fly to exotic places and stay in luxurious five-star hotels. And she wanted to come with me.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I changed my password to "incorrect"

      So when I forget it my computer will tell me "your password is incorrect"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Password
      00
      Permalink
    • If I was a cop, I would write the word 'Influence' on a bridge, and pull over anyone that drives under it.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • I've always dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange soda

      It's a fanta-sea of mine

      Tags:
      • Swimming
      00
      Permalink
    • If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card

      ...I'd have $0.77 cents.

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • I got security cameras fitted outside my house just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.

      Tags:
      • Security
      • Stealing
      00
      Permalink
    • Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

      It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • I bought a friend of mine an elephant for his room

      He said thanks. I said don't mention it.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • The Sahara desert walks into a bar.

      The barman says "long time no sea."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you?

      I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.

      I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders. So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I hate talking to my boyfriend sometimes.

      Every time I bring up his camping fetish, he pitches a huge tent.

      Tags:
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My 82 year old Grandpa's favorite joke

      A skeleton walks into a bar, sits down and says "I'll have a beer and a mop"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night

      Cop said I was deriving over the limit.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Asians are so bad at driving

      That I think Pearl harbour was an accident.

      00
      Permalink
    • A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

      The New England Patriots must be in town.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A physicist saw a man standing on a ledge

      The physicist yelled out "Don't jump, you have so much potential!"

      Tags:
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • I have a dog with no legs.

      His name is Cigarette because I have to take him out for a drag.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Cigarette
      00
      Permalink
    • The inventor of the air conditioner has died

      Thousands of fans are attending his funeral

      Tags:
      • Funeral
      00
      Permalink
    • Lost three toes in a wood-chopping accident and my girlfriend dumped me

      Said she's lack-toes intolerant

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep

      but the kids on his bus were screaming.

      Tags:
      • Grandfather
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work.

      She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop.

      The steaks were high.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well

      Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!

      Tags:
      • Republican
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is a keeper.

      She's perfect, but I never score.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower.

      Hand her a shovel!

      Tags:
      • Dishwasher
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked God for a bike...

      ... but then realized that is not how God works. So I stole some kid's bike and asked God for forgiveness.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • A rapist, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar

      They came, they saw, they conquered

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my Men like I like my Coffee

      I'm Mormon. I'm not allowed.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Black Guy shot 15 times by the Alabama Police

      Worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

      Tags:
      • Alabama
      00
      Permalink
    • Marriage is like a seesaw.

      It's not fun if one of them is fat.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • 50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

      the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver...

      I only abuse it when I'm drinking.

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents

      Her mother says: "You bring great Shamus to this family."

      Tags:
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Politician (noun):

      Someone who will lay down your life for his country.

      Tags:
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • Marriage brings two people together

      to solve issues they never had before

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta.

      I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size.

      It was a narrow "S" cape.

      Tags:
      • Superman
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes walk into a bar

      The first one says "Don't worry, I didn't see it either".

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"

      A kid meal is £250

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's 'Hi, How are you?'"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend treats me like I'm God

      She ignores my existence and doesn't ever speak to me.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light.

      Which was very generous, but I don't find him sexy.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My doctor told me I had the airport flu.

      He says it's terminal.

      Tags:
      • Airport
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror

      But I really can't see myself doing that.

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      00
      Permalink
    • I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.

      Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.

      Tags:
      • Dyslexia
      • North Korea
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm not saying she's a slut

      but she did get fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.

      Tags:
      • Semen
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • A Priest, rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar

      And orders a drink

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Trump's wives were immigrants.

      Proving again that immigrants will do jobs Americans won't.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

      The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

      She's 5 foot 5, 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Allergy
      00
      Permalink
    • I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app...

      When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

      There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

      Tags:
      • Lipstick
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I knew you'd come crawling back

      the minute I stole your wheelchair

      Tags:
      • Wheelchair
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

      It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      • Restaurant
      • Anniversary
      00
      Permalink
    • So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like.

      RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Harley Davidson
      00
      Permalink
    • People are so unreliable

      Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.

      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when the pope dies?

      Another one popes up.

      Tags:
      • Pope
      00
      Permalink
    • I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea

      It was a dishonorable discharge

      Tags:
      • Army
      00
      Permalink
    • The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.

      It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Disney
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,

      Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

      Tags:
      • Cigarette
      00
      Permalink
    • My ex was like a computer game.

      Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

      Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Beer has female hormones

      Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • I got arrested the other day for stealing full stops.

      I'm looking at a long sentence.

      Tags:
      • Stealing
      00
      Permalink
    • Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

      He's 0K right now.

      Tags:
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

      But he kept his Word.

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
      • Bill Gates
      00
      Permalink
    • I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had.

      Yep, home schooling has its perks.

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Sorry we don't serve time travelers here

      Two time travelers walk into a bar

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I tried to rob a bank using jello cast in the shape of a gun

      The police charged me with carrying a congealed weapon

      Tags:
      • Bank
      00
      Permalink
    • A list of Hillary Clinton jokes.

      [deleted]

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • 3 mods walk into a strip club

      [removed]

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes!

      It's called Twenty Pho Seven

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • I heard it said that one in every three people will cheat in a relationship.

      I just can't tell if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Chinese Food is amazing

      but I do find it hard to believe that a chicken fried this rice

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend started biting her lip to look sexy...

      How do I tell her it's supposed to be the bottom lip?

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A sandwich walks into a bar

      The bartender stares at it blankly and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs.

      I said maybe.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist.

      No matter what you say, you're still wrong.

      Tags:
      • Weather
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • He's making a list, he's checking it twice.

      He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice. Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Animals can sense disasters before they happen.

      That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry

      There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.

      Tags:
      • Blood
      00
      Permalink
    • "We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.

      A neutrino walked into a bar.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Working with horses is hard

      but it's stable work.

      Tags:
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart

      and stopped littering

      Tags:
      • Cigarette
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.

      I think he took a fence.

      Tags:
      • Stealing
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm in a complex relationship

      My girlfriend is imaginary.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My professor asked me to define narcissism

      I said, "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."

      Tags:
      • Narcissism
      00
      Permalink
    • In Germany, we know of a joke

      The French military.

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.

      A time traveler walks into a bar.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • 'That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches.

      "Nah." "Fine, suture self."

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • My neighbors listen to good music

      If they like it or not

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo mama is so fat that

      when she walked in front of the TV, I missed 3 seasons of Breaking Bad

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • For my birthday my friends got me a sweater.

      I would have preferred a screamer or moaner, but a sweater was fine.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression.

      Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • My dog used to chase after people on bike

      So I took the bike away from him.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

      The toughest part was acting surprised.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.

      That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right

      But two Wrights make an airplane

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • My relationship is complex

      part real, part imaginary.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • I bought my son a puppy for his birthday but I accidentally ran him over as I was backing out my driveway. At least I still have the puppy

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • My computer just said 'hello' to me.

      I think it might be a Dell.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her.

      Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo momma cooks so bad...

      The flys all chipped in and fixed the screen door. We're here all night, don't forget to tip your waiter!!

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • Was very disappointed when I went into a German restaurant and asked for their best

      But they served me their wurst.

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • To all the haters out there, I think Melania Trump's speech hit all the right keys.

      Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      • Melania Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm gonna sell my vacuum cleaner.

      It's just collecting dust

      Tags:
      • Vacuum
      00
      Permalink
    • I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute

      After all, it was her thirty second birthday.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a farmer count his cows??

      with a Cowculator!!

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • I didn't realize how religious the Japanese are.

      Always asking me if I have a pray station at home.

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

      Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • When I got depressed, I joined the Army.

      I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Depression
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a cop and a dj have in common

      They both tell drunk people to put their hands up

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Recently found out my toaster was not waterproof

      I was shocked.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

      It was good, but the bill was enormous.

      Tags:
      • Florida
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • Since I started dating my girlfriend half a year ago I became a millionaire

      6 months ago I was a billionaire.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A cowboy opens a German car dealership

      His business card says "Audi Partner"

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women.

      But unfortunately most of them spit it out.

      Tags:
      • DNA
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • I heard 80% of all accident happen within 10 miles of home.

      So I moved.

      00
      Permalink
    • I hardly ever drink

      Only 2 times a year to be exact On my birthday, And when it's not my birthday

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,

      but jokes on them because I own a piano.

      Tags:
      • Piano
      • Driver's License
      00
      Permalink
    • My face is so oily

      The US wants to invade it.

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

      ..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • So my friend asked me how often I make chemistry jokes.

      I replied "Periodically"

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

      So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • 2 Nazis walk into a BAR

      They each get 10 shots

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Wish
      00
      Permalink
    • If I had a dollar every time Trump said something stupid...

      I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • My dad said "Always leave them wanting more."

      That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.

      Tags:
      • Disaster
      00
      Permalink
    • I remember when my mum used to tuck me in.

      She really wanted a daughter.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      11
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh.

      If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriends father wouldn't let us sleep together when I stayed over at her house

      Which is a shame because he's very attractive.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Marriage is like a card game.

      At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Playing Cards
      00
      Permalink
    • My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday

      It was mighty kind of them, but they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a rape fantasy

      She screamed NO!! I said that's the spirit

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • So, a one-hump camel marries a two-hump camel, and they have a baby, but the baby didn't have a hump.

      So they named him Humphrey.

      Tags:
      • Camel
      00
      Permalink
    • My dad always told me to treat women like flowers.

      So I tore my girlfriend apart limb by limb to find out whether or not she loved me.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

      They are sending them out to sea.

      Tags:
      • Navy
      00
      Permalink
    • They say curiosity killed the cat,

      but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

      ...forward four-word foreword for Word.

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
      00
      Permalink
    • I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day.

      He was a really nice guy.

      Tags:
      • Army
      00
      Permalink
    • I like the NSA

      They're the only government agency that listens

      Tags:
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • You know what you call a marine with an IQ of 160

      A platoon.

      Tags:
      • Marine
      00
      Permalink
    • Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.

      If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
      00
      Permalink
    • I warn you not to mess with me!

      I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiu Jitsu and 22 other japanese words.

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • The NSA isn't all that bad

      It's the only part of the American government that listens to its citizens!

      Tags:
      • America
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

      It's a lot to digest

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • If I give you breakfast in bed just say "thanks"

      Not "who are you" and "how did you get in here"

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
      00
      Permalink
    • War is God's way of teaching

      Americans geography.

      Tags:
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is a pornstar

      Shes gunna kill me when she finds out.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife is so sweet

      Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • They say that 1 out of 3 people has cheated on their relationship

      I'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I got arrested at the airport last week.

      Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.

      Tags:
      • Airport
      • Security
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

      She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm going to check out the new restaurant called Karma.

      There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • Americans won't get this

      Free healthcare

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me

      So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.

      Tags:
      • Cigarette
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend's dad wouldn't let us sleep together

      which is a shame because he's very attractive

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I like my women like I like my golf game

      Around 80 and handicapped.

      Tags:
      • Handicapped
      00
      Permalink
    • A white man was arrested after shooting a black man on the street.

      He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"

      But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.

      Tags:
      • St. Peter
      00
      Permalink
    • My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night

      lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want.

      Like marrying Donald Trump.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • My secretary doesn't wear any bra or panties to work.

      But he types really well.

      Tags:
      • Secretary
      00
      Permalink
    • I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup.

      After that I had a massive vowel movement.

      Tags:
      • Alphabet
      00
      Permalink
    • Three helium atoms walk into a bar

      HeHeHe

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • The saddest joke I've heard

      My wife ran off with my best friend... Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:

      DON'T JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL

      Tags:
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • A girlfriend is like a good joke.

      If I told you I had one, you'd probably laugh.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm probably moving back to my home country if Trump gets elected.

      Not by choice either.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • The cannibal was late to dinner

      He was given the cold shoulder

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac.

      He told him it would help him control hispanics.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

      Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • In marriage there are 3 types of rings

      The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Never call a woman fat.

      An elephant never forgets.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Women
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.

      His neighbor is curious and asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?" The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • Say all the bad things you want about pedophiles

      But at least they drive slowly through school zones.

      Tags:
      • News
      00
      Permalink
    • If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice...

      ...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Breakfast
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.

      She didn't believe I was God.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Two cows walk into a vegan bar.

      The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Vegan
      00
      Permalink
    • My daughter was whining about her chores.

      She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment. I said, "no, just do the floor."

      Tags:
      • Vacuum
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend asked if I would spend a month away from her for 5000 dollars.

      It's tempting, but I don't think I can afford it.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.

      Doesn't exist by definition.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.

      I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."

      Tags:
      • Alabama
      00
      Permalink
    • I tried to start an online bakery.

      But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

      00
      Permalink
    • When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian they laughed at me.

      They're not laughing now.

      Tags:
      • Comedian
      00
      Permalink
    • I caught my neighbor putting a layer of topsoil on my allotment

      The plot thickened

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • The United States has such bad luck

      It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

      Tags:
      • United States
      00
      Permalink
    • I don't need a girlfriend, I can just play Pokemon Go

      The servers go down on me every day

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

      She's kind of high maintenance.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • The trick to a good joke is nailing the punchline.

      Jesus

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital...

      They told me that case was sensitive.

      Tags:
      • Sensitive
      00
      Permalink
    • Heroin use among horses have grown

      But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

      Tags:
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm living in a rough neighbourhood...

      Some thug tore the front and back pages of my dictionary out! It just goes from Bad to Worse

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      00
      Permalink
    • 30 people walk into a bar

      This is the worst game of limbo I've ever seen

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

      I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend just texted me "myspacebarisbrokencanyougivemeanalternative?"

      Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people

      Push and pull.

      00
      Permalink
    • I like my coffee how I like my women

      Imported from poor South American countries.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

      to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

      Tags:
      • Insurance
      00
      Permalink
    • I didn't know you could win prizes for staying in a hospital bed for a long time.

      But my brother got a trophy.

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • My butcher is very rude

      I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

      Tags:
      • Butcher
      00
      Permalink
    • My Friends Call Me A Pedophile

      Because she's 18 and I'm 30, but I'll be damned if I let them ruin our seven year anniversary.

      Tags:
      • Anniversary
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend asked me how do I see lesbian relationships

      Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the right answer.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm ordering a chicken and an egg from Amazon

      I'll let you know

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night

      A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

      Tags:
      • Guinness
      00
      Permalink
    • So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together

      Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • If Donald trump takes over the presidency after Obama

      I guess you could say orange really is the new black

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'.

      They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'

      But I'm on a glute-free diet

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My stoner neighbors got divorced

      but it's okay because they got joint custody

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

      0: Naming things 1: Cache invalidation 2: Off by one errors

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • I actually have a good Japanese joke.

      Anime'd it myself.

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,

      Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep

      I said 'Sure, seventy'.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • Politicians are like Sperm

      One in a million turn out to be an actual human being

      Tags:
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • I started downloading Jaws the other day

      But after one megabyte, my computer died.

      Tags:
      • Shark
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement

      In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree".

      Tags:
      • Software
      00
      Permalink
    • Trump Says Immigrants take Jobs Americans Refuse to take.

      Like being his wife.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Trumps wives were immigrants

      Proving again that they'll do jobs Americans won't

      Tags:
      • America
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • It only takes 3 inches to please a woman.

      And it doesn't matter if it's Mastercard, Visa or American Express.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars.

      I'm guaranteed to find water.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Mars
      00
      Permalink
    • I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl.

      I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.

      Tags:
      • Dyslexia
      00
      Permalink
    • My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

      He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

      Tags:
      • Grandfather
      00
      Permalink
    • Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator

      It was wrong on so many levels.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

      Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
      00
      Permalink
    • My dad's bread factory burnt down

      Now his business is toast

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.

      I stand corrected.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..

      I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship

      Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I've started a business building yachts in my attic

      Sails are going through the roof!

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm not a fan of Trump, but I'd never denigrate his supporters

      If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?

      Can I have a different server?

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes.

      I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.

      Tags:
      • Car
      00
      Permalink
    • The NSA

      The only part of the government that actually listens

      Tags:
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

      Chemo patients are so sensitive.

      Tags:
      • Sensitive
      00
      Permalink
    • I went to a zoo one time and all they had was a dog.

      It was a shih tzu.

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      00
      Permalink
    • No matter how kind you are

      German children are kinder

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.

      He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.

      The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful.

      I told her, "urinate out of ten."

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours.

      And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • My neighbor is loud and obnoxious

      Now I know how Canada feels

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.

      It was mine.

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I've been trying to find my girlfriend's killer for the last month.

      Nobody's agreeing to do it.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • The price of balloons is said to rise.

      It's only logical with all the inflation.

      Tags:
      • Inflation
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut

      I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend has the body of a Greek Goddess;

      Imaginary

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

      I was having an allergic reaction.

      Tags:
      • EpiPen
      • Allergy
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo mama's so fat

      Her nose can't even run Came up with this myself and was quite proud

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

      She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me." I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

      It never really took off.

      Tags:
      • Grandfather
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.

      At least that's what the cat told me.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Cute names to call your girlfriend with

      1.sugar 2.honey 3.flour 4.egg 5.1/2 lb butter 6.stir 7.pour into pan 8.preheat to 375°

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon

      He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Went to dinner with my girlfriend tonight and got called a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 19.

      Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      • Anniversary
      00
      Permalink
    • There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

      The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

      Tags:
      • Directions
      • North Korea
      00
      Permalink
    • They say statistically, 1 out of every 3 of your neighbors are likely to be a pedophile.

      Luckily for me, I live next to two gorgeous 12 year olds.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • Some chick got her nipple pierced at the bar last night.

      I'm not very good at darts.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I love throwing house warming parties

      But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

      So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

      Tags:
      • Waitress
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh.

      Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I accidentally called out my mums name during sex

      and my sister hasn't talked to me since.

      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me

      She is not a fan.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia

      but she kept bringing it back up

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Trying to make a password

      Me: beefstew Computer: sorry, password not stroganoff

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Password
      00
      Permalink
    • If I had a dollar for every time I got laid...

      I'd be a prostitute.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • I think my girlfriend has a trigonometry fetish

      because every time I talk to her she gets off on a tangent.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Apparently one in three people cheat.

      I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

      Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door

      His girlfriend is dead against it.

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

      I'm sure they'll soon get over it

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

      Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

      Tags:
      • Airport
      • Usain Bolt
      • Ryan Lochte
      00
      Permalink
    • You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

      In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia

      Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Civil War spoilers

      Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Abraham Lincoln
      • John Wilkes Booth
      00
      Permalink
    • I hate making spelling mistakes.

      You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      00
      Permalink
    • I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party.

      You should have seen her face.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room

      The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

      I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend said to me...

      "If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..." Turns out she meant together.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally

      I think she's a keeper

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."

      I wish I'd thought of that quote.

      Tags:
      • Grandfather
      00
      Permalink
    • Stop sending toys to children in Africa

      It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I never want to have a threesome.

      If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem

      After she left I lost the urge to drink.

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend...

      she said "Clearly not."

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

      He goes home sober.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.

      He beat me at Mario Kart.

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much

      We may as well call him the "Not Si" President

      Tags:
      • Nazi
      • President
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • The police just released a statement that someone is going around pickpocketing midgets.

      I'm surprised someone could stoop so low.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A Poem

      Roses are red, Violets are blue, Stop memes about Harambe -Cincinnati Zoo

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      00
      Permalink
    • I am 38, last night I was out with my 19 y.o. girlfriend and someone yelled "paedophile!" ...

      It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

      Tags:
      • Mother
      • Girlfriend
      • Anniversary
      00
      Permalink
    • I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

      My thoughts are with his family.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye.

      Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I just ended a 5 years long relationship

      I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • I accidentally gave my wife super glue instead of Chapstick

      She's still not talking to me.

      00
      Permalink
    • Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

      The results speak for themselves.

      Tags:
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend accused me of cheating

      I told her she sounded like my wife

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships.

      So they can Scan da navy in

      Tags:
      • Navy
      00
      Permalink
    • Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president.

      I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

      She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it. Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant.

      I can't take anything out in time.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Donald Trump has just announced his candidacy for president

      Sorry for putting the punchline in the title.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

      Won't beheading there anymore

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend said I treat her like a little girl.

      So, I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • "You look like a million bucks"...

      ...said Bill Gates disappointedly to his wife.

      Tags:
      • Bill Gates
      00
      Permalink
    • Told a girl to text me when she got home.

      She must be homeless.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      00
      Permalink
    • The NSA

      A government organization that actually listens to you!

      Tags:
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer

      I saw it through my telescope last night.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

      It's ok though, she always comes crawling back.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

      I said "maybe".

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

      But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Bad news about shortbread!

      They're not making it any longer.

      Tags:
      • News
      00
      Permalink
    • What does DNA stand for

      National Dyslexia Association.

      Tags:
      • DNA
      00
      Permalink
    • The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

      The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Software
      00
      Permalink
    • The internet is an amazing thing.

      One minute I'm at work looking up random pages, passing the time, the next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

      But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall...

      He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

      I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas

      I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

      She's a 10 but it sucks because she's imaginary.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

      Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      • Drinking
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

      I guess he's homeless.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Homeless
      00
      Permalink
    • A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.

      Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny...

      So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes I had written about the Victorian era.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo

      I had to put my foot down

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • If you can't beat them

      What's the point of having children?

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Argon walks into a bar.

      The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

      The child didn't look surprised.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed

      My name, my address, my phone number

      Tags:
      • Pregnancy
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.

      I don't know why it keeps saying that.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.

      Maybe I should let her in.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • If your girlfriend starts smoking

      Slow down and start using a lubricant

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

      It really makes my patients nervous.

      Tags:
      • Thermometer
      00
      Permalink
    • So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

      Guess that makes it Priustoric

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

      I haven't worn it yet.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin

      Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

      Tags:
      • Cemetery
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

      I didn't even know it was her birthday!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • I failed my chemistry lab exam.

      I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend was standing nude...

      in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw. She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now." To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

      Doctor: "Well I can't find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking" Mick : "I'll come back when you're sober Doctor"

      Tags:
      • Irish
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

      Luckily it was only a virus.

      00
      Permalink
    • The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here."

      A time traveler walks into a bar.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?

      Depends, what is yours?

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • Just found out I'm colorblind

      it came out of the yellow.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

      I thought it was a great trade.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover

      Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

      looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked a pretty homeless woman...

      I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

      What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • [Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

      Pence: 'The fewer' Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

      Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you." Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My family insists I am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

      But I can stop any time I want.

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • So Hillary Clinton logs into her e-mail

      [deleted]

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue

      For the devil can take many forms

      Tags:
      • Satan
      • Post Office
      00
      Permalink
    • A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar

      The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

      But for the life of me, I can't figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • If I had a dollar for every time I had sex

      I'd be a cheap prostitute

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • Tried changing my password to "14days"

      but it was two week

      Tags:
      • Password
      00
      Permalink
    • Just found out I was dating a commie

      Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • My phone fell from the 20th floor,

      good thing it was in airplane mode.

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • What are the options?

      Air Hostess to passenger: "Sir would you like to have dinner?" Passenger: "What are the options?" Air Hostess: "Yes and No."

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      00
      Permalink
    • The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm

      Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • I shot a Black Man the other day

      I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • ________________________

      With all the bad puns going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

      Tags:
      • News
      00
      Permalink
    • At my new job I have 500 people under me.

      I mow grass at a cemetery.

      Tags:
      • Cemetery
      00
      Permalink
    • I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

      They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

      She seemed surprised.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal"

      It had four Chapter 11's.

      Tags:
      • Bankruptcy
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • I saw an advert that read: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

      I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

      Tags:
      • Television
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

      It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      00
      Permalink
    • When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

      I stop at nothing to avoid them.

      Tags:
      • Counting
      00
      Permalink
    • Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble.

      You have my Word.

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
      00
      Permalink
    • Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

      But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

      Tags:
      • Chess
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

      I hate cops.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh

      Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

      So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

      Tags:
      • Princess
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..

      Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Hillary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.

      Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

      Tags:
      • President
      • Hillary Clinton
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • My daughter just lost her first tooth!

      That'll teach her to talk back.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

      Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

      Tags:
      • Homework
      • President
      • Abraham Lincoln
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

      So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

      Tags:
      • Blood
      00
      Permalink
    • 99.9% of people are idiots.

      Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

      Tags:
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

      The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

      Tags:
      • Butcher
      00
      Permalink
    • My password is pussy

      Because most hackers don't get it

      Tags:
      • Password
      00
      Permalink
    • People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

      Hitler was good at making speeches

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

      I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8

      Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My Cocaine Is So White

      Police Let It Go With A Warning

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

      I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are

      But I laugh more.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

      I lost my case.

      Tags:
      • Airport
      00
      Permalink
    • I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

      They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

      than the men who mention it

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.

      comedy removed due to complaints -

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • My neighbors listen to awesome music

      whether they like it or not.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances.

      Well she's in for a shock.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

      I'll let you know

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee

      Without other people's dicks in it.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night

      The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

      I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

      Tags:
      • Monkey
      00
      Permalink
    • To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

      You can hide, but you can't run.

      Tags:
      • Wheelchair
      00
      Permalink
    • If Trump wins I'm leaving the country if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country

      Not a political post, I just love to travel

      Tags:
      • Politics
      • Bill Clinton
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • 9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda.

      That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Michigan
      00
      Permalink
    • My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

      I guess the N's justify the means.

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

      He wants to make America grate again.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

      It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

      Tags:
      • Arkansas
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home.

      She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

      A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • 3 mods walk into a bar

      [deleted]

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

      But not my Sister.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Breakfast
      00
      Permalink
    • Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

      They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

      Tags:
      • Alabama
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

      Because they are more likely to be dead.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

      Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

      What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

      Kinda like yo momma.

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.

      Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      • Anniversary
      00
      Permalink
    • '90s kids won't get this

      Social security

      Tags:
      • Security
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

      So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

      We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

      But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.

      Tags:
      • President
      • Steve Jobs
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

      On the condition he gets to install windows.

      Tags:
      • Bill Gates
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar.

      He is an alcoholic and it's tearing his family apart

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • My mother in Law fell down a wishing well, and I was amazed...

      I never knew they worked.

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      00
      Permalink
    • I spilled Spot Remover on my dog.

      Now he is blind and has chemical burns all over his body.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.

      They sit down and have a calm discussion about the differences in their beliefs.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Rabbi
      • Priest
      00
      Permalink
    • A kangaroo walks into a bar.

      It is a fairly common occurrence in Australia and normal process is carried out of evacuating the premises and calling animal control to deal with the situation.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Australia
      00
      Permalink
    • An elephant walks into a bar.

      Except not really, it couldn't fit through the door.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman walks into a bar.

      She is pregnant and gives her baby fetal alcohol syndrome.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I feel like a pair of curtains!"

      The doctor replied, "That's probably because you're schizophrenic."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Schizophrenia
      • Mental Health
      00
      Permalink
    • Rocky teased Johnny by saying, "Your momma is so fat , she looks like a hippo."

      What he didn't know was that Johnny's mother was suffering a terminal glandular problem combined with aggressive cancer.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Cancer
      • Mother
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • You're so ugly...

      When you look in the mirror it displays you're reflection because that is what mirrors do.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      00
      Permalink
    • In Soviet Russia, joke tells YOU!

      ...because that is the syntax of the language.

      Tags:
      • Russia
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • A horse walked into a bar.

      Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • Pupil: "My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were."

      Mother: "Well next time remember where you put things!"

      00
      Permalink
    • My mother in Law and I were happy for 20 years.

      Then we met each other.

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "Give me three reasons why the world is round!"

      Pupil: "Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      00
      Permalink
    • The food in our school canteen is perfect.

      If you are a bug!

      00
      Permalink
    • Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

      Women somewhat deteriorate during the night.

      00
      Permalink
    • What not to say to the nice policeman:

      Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "I'm glad to see your writing has improved."

      Little Johnny: "Thank you!"

      Teacher: "Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!"

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • We try to keep him out of the kitchen.

      Last time he cooked he burned the salad.

      Tags:
      • Kitchen
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't men eat between meals.

      There *IS* no "between" meals.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Meal
      • Eating
      00
      Permalink
    • How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      Will this be on the test?

      Tags:
      • College
      • Student
      00
      Permalink
    • Pupil: "This egg is bad!"

      Cook: "Don't blame me I only laid the table!"

      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you copying from David's work!"

      Little Johnny: "I hope you didn't too!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Always give 100 % at work:

      12 % Monday.
      23 % Tuesday.
      40 % Wednesday.
      20 % Thursday.
      5 % Friday.

      00
      Permalink
    • "What is an island?"

      "A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."

      "On one side?"

      "Yes, on top!"

      00
      Permalink
    • Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

      I do what I get paid to do.

      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: give me a sentence with the word fascinate in it

      Student: I have a jacket with 10 buttons on it but I only fasten eight

      00
      Permalink
    • What did God think after he created Adam?

      "I can do better."

      Then he created Eve.

      What did he think then?

      "Dammit, my last one was better!"

      00
      Permalink
    • Pupil: "I thought we got a choice for dinner but there is only sausages and fries."

      Dinner Lady: "That's the choice, take it or leave it!"

      00
      Permalink
    • This is an A B conversation.

      C your way out.

      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question."

      Pupil: "How long for the answer sir!"

      00
      Permalink
    • Pupil: "I don't like cheese with holes!"

      Dinner Lady: "Well just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate!"

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the elephant say to the naked man?

      How do you breathe through that thing?

      Tags:
      • Nudity
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What not to say to the nice policeman:

      I pay your salary!

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • "Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now!"

      "Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!"

      00
      Permalink
    • What not to say to the nice policeman:

      I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A housewife accused a maid for stealing her panties.

      In her defence, she said: "Madam, I don't wear panties even if you ask sir!"

      Tags:
      • Stealing
      • Housewife
      00
      Permalink
    • I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

      I don't like to interrupt her.

      00
      Permalink
    • "Mommy Mommy, Daddy fell out the window."

      "Shut up, don't make me laugh, my lips are chapped."

      Tags:
      • Father
      00
      Permalink
    • My husband said he wanted more space.

      So I locked him outside.

      Tags:
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • I always know when it's the mother in Law knocking at the door.

      The mice throw themselves in the traps.

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      00
      Permalink
    • Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."

      Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"

      Tags:
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.

      Police are looking into it.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Pupil: "There is a dead fly in my dinner"

      Cook: "Oh dear, I wonder if it died after tasting it!"

      Tags:
      • Cooking
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

      A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

      Tags:
      • Future
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

      Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

      00
      Permalink
    • If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?

      Who cares?

      Tags:
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris doesn't check his closet for the bogeyman.

      The bogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • Our local drug store is selling tampons with bells on.

      But just for the Christmas period.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • "Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it."

      "It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"

      Tags:
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

      She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"

      I told her: "How about the kitchen?"

      Tags:
      • Anniversary
      00
      Permalink
    • Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

      Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

      Tags:
      • Engineer
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo momma is so old.

      She sat behind jesus in the third grade.

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • By three measures a manager is known:

      1) The thickness of the carpet in his office.
      2) The area of his desk.
      3) The volume of his car's engine.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Office
      • Manager
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman has the last word in any argument.

      Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

      00
      Permalink
    • Some motherly advice:

      Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

      But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Mother
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

      A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

      00
      Permalink
    • My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.

      So I threw a coconut at his face.

      00
      Permalink
    • Father: "How did you do in your tests?"

      Son: "I did what George Washington did!"

      Father: "What was that?"

      Son: "Went down in history!"

      Tags:
      • George Washington
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a pole, Ouch,

      A woman walks into a pole, she doesn't get a tip.

      00
      Permalink
    • A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.

      A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!

      00
      Permalink
    • 100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

      A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

      00
      Permalink
    • After hearing a pick-up line:

      Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

      00
      Permalink
    • What should you never say to a police officer?

      "Hey, did you ever notice the word 'lice' is in the word police?"

      00
      Permalink
    • Husband: "Want a quickie?"

      Wife: "As opposed to what?"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • My mother in Law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

      She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

      Tags:
      • CIA
      • Paint
      • Mother In Law
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes walk into a building.

      You'd think at least one of them would have seen it!

      00
      Permalink
    • Mum: "From now on your going to have free school dinners."

      Son: "But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!"

      00
      Permalink
    • 43rd Law of Computing:
      Anything that can go wr
      fortune: Segmentation violation - Core dumped

      Tags:
      • Law
      00
      Permalink
    • What not to say to the nice policeman:

      I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • School
      • High School
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "Please don't whistle while studying."

      Student: "Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling!"

      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

      About 45 pounds.

      What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

      45 minutes.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Boyfriend
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I should take her somewhere expensive.

      I took her to a petrol station!

      Tags:
      • Dating
      00
      Permalink
    • The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

      The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

      Tags:
      • Philosophy
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the police know princess dianna had dandruff

      They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment

      Tags:
      • Princess
      00
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    • 10 HOME
      20 SWEET
      30 GOTO 10

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.

      Neither of them had a mother in Law!

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      00
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    • Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."

      Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"

      Tags:
      • Eating
      • Mother
      • Monster
      • Teacher
      00
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    • Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

      Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Strawberry
      00
      Permalink
    • Managers are like squirrels.

      They are rats with good PR, and if you have more than one or two they become a nuisance.

      Tags:
      • Manager
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "What is a comet?"

      Pupil: "A star with a tail!"

      Teacher: "Can you name one?"

      Pupil: "Lassie!"

      00
      Permalink
    • What not to say to the nice policeman:

      I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Police
      • Alcohol
      00
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    • They said that when a black man becomes president, pigs will fly.

      Exactly 100 days after Barack Obama became president swine flu.

      Tags:
      • President
      • Barack Obama
      00
      Permalink
    • Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.

      It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Boxing
      • Mike Tyson
      00
      Permalink
    • Father: "You've got 4 D's and a C on your report."

      Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject!"

      00
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    • Son: "I can't go to school today."

      Father: "Why not?"

      Son: "I don't feel well."

      Teacher: "Where don't you feel well?"

      Son: "In school!"

      00
      Permalink
    • "Do you know why Mickey Mouse bought a telescope?"

      "No, why?"

      "Because he wanted to see Pluto!"

      Tags:
      • Mickey Mouse
      00
      Permalink
    • Knock, Knock.

      Who's there?

      To!

      To who?

      To whom.

      Tags:
      • Grammar
      00
      Permalink
    • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

      A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Money
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris does not sleep.

      He waits.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Chuck Norris
      11
      Permalink
    • One time Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 47 people.

      Then the grenade exploded.

      Tags:
      • Grenade
      • Chuck Norris
      22
      Permalink
    • It is better to have loved and lost..

      Than to have fallen, bleeding, into shark-infested waters.

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Shark
      • Blood
      00
      Permalink
    • God wanted to create the world in 10 days...

      Chuck Norris gave him 6.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Earth
      • Chuck Norris
      11
      Permalink
    • If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies...

      Check the extinct species list.

      Tags:
      • Extinction
      • Chuck Norris
      11
      Permalink
    • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard.

      There is only another fist.

      Tags:
      • Beard
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.

      Too bad he has never cried.

      Tags:
      • Cancer
      • Crying
      • Chuck Norris
      11
      Permalink
    • So a man walks into a bar with a monkey...

      I forget the rest, but your mother is a whore.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Monkey
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • "If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

      "One dollar." answered little Johnny.

      "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

      Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Math
      • Money
      • Little Johnny
      01
      Permalink
    • When Chuck Norris doesn't give you the finger.

      He tells you how many seconds you have left to live.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      01
      Permalink
    • It may not be "politically correct" to say this.

      But there are over one million U.S Senators.

      Tags:
      • Politics
      01
      Permalink
    • So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...

      The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"

      Tags:
      • Circus
      01
      Permalink
    • I used to have an imaginary girlfriend but she left me for my best friend.

      Apparently he had a bigger imagination.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      01
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend likes golden meteor showers

      (I have kidney stones)

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      01
      Permalink
    • What's 9 inches long,pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth

      Her miscarriage

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      01
      Permalink
    • My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

      It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Bicycle
      01
      Permalink
    • A world renowned chef undercooked the meat

      It was a rare misteak

      Tags:
      • Cooking
      01
      Permalink
    • The good news is my black girlfriend says I have mean dick

      The bad news is she's a mathematician.

      Tags:
      • News
      • Girlfriend
      01
      Permalink
    • I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department.

      But when I got home, all the signs were there.

      Tags:
      • Stealing
      01
      Permalink
    • I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest.

      [deleted]

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      01
      Permalink
    • Guy goes to the doctor and says, " I cnat siht!"

      The doctor says, "Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      01
      Permalink
    • It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

      They had a great time, he would have loved it

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      01
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday.

      I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Girlfriend
      01
      Permalink
    • A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money.

      It was a strobbery.

      Tags:
      • Bank
      01
      Permalink
    • I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back

      Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

      Tags:
      • Police
      01
      Permalink
    • Donald Trump is not a rapist.

      He's an "alternative romantic."

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      01
      Permalink
    • America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president.

      You could say they are going toupee for it.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      01
      Permalink
    • If Trump replaces Obama as president,

      Orange will be the new Black.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      01
      Permalink
    • Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

      Probably because Mexico has more aliens

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      01
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "What can we do to stop water pollution?"

      Little Johnny: "Stop taking baths?"

      Tags:
      • Bath
      • Little Johnny
      01
      Permalink